How to Not Waste Your Final All-Star Vote
By Justin Klugh
Sure, go ahead. Vote for your favorite player. That’s what the All-Star Game is all about, right?
No. It is not. That introductory sentence was a test, and if you or anyone around you spoke, nodded, or sneezed agreeably, they should be taken care of in a fairly serious and definitive manner. Ever since Bud Selig decided that home field advantage in the World Series was important enough to be decided by a single game in the middle of the season, the ASG has become far more focused on it’s post season influence than players and fans enjoying themselves.
This shit is important.
AL
Adam Jones
All of Adam Jones’ accomplishments have become somewhat more dulcet and poetic, thanks to the addition of Gary Thorne to the Orioles’ broadcast team. You’re probably already laughing at the notion of there being two Orioles on the AL squad, but shut up. Jones has 40+ RBI and catch the ball in innovative ways, so cast your vote for him because there are already too many Yankees and Red Sox on this team and also you don’t want to let down the entire 5th grade class at Bollman Bridge Elementary School.
Alex Gordon
Apparently, he’s one of the only current Royals players whose jersey people wear, which is saying something, because how often do you see people wearing Royals jerseys?
Okay? Did we get all those “The Royals are bad” jokes out of our systems? Great. Because its pretty cliche to call out long-suffering teams for being bad like I just did in the last paragraph and also the one before it, especially in a season when the Pirates at 1.5 games out of first place.
So maybe don’t just eliminate Alex from contention just because he plays for Kansas City, like you were planning to, you cheap, petty ingrate. Its people like you who vote Derek Jeter in as a starter despite his last start being in Trenton. Gordon will have 100 hits by the break and has been flirting with .300 all year. And he’s the only one of these guys with a baseball card worth thousands of dollars.
Then again, Jeff Francoeur plays for the Royals.
Paul Konerko
Listen to Konerko, playing it cool.
"“I’m not a guy to promote myself. I won’t sit there and say, ‘Vote for me.’ If people want to vote and look at it and say I should go, then vote for me.”–Paul Konerko"
Ha! Well, fine. If Paul Konerko doesn’t want me to vote for him, then I won’t.
…
…
I kind of want to vote for him even more now. Its like he’s inside my head, taunting me. Why won’t he say “Vote for me?” What is it about that phrase that turns him off? Would he go even if we voted him? Should we do it just to find out? BUT IS THAT WHAT HE’S TRYING TO DO ALL ALONG?! IS PAUL KONERKO KEYSER SOZE?! DOESN’T HE KNOW HOW IMPORTANT THIS GAME COULD BE TO THE TEAMS IN THE WORLD SERIES THAT WE WILL NOT BE ON?!
Victor Martinez
AND IF HE DOES KNOW HOW IMPORTANT THEY ARE, WHY WOULD HE ACT SO NONCHALANT ABOUT THE WHOLE THING?! IS HE PUTTING HIS FAITH IN THE MORBID CURIOSITY OF FANS WHO WANT TO SEE WHAT PAUL KONERKO, COOL CUSTOMER EXTRAORDINAIRE, DOES WITH AN ALL-STAR TEAM SPOT?! WOULD HE JUST GIVE IT TO SOMEONE ELSE?! OH MY GOD, WHY DOESN’T PAUL KONERKO WANT US TO LOVE HIM?! IS OUR LOVE NOT WORTHY OF HIM?! DOES HE SEE HIMSELF AS ABOVE ALL FORMS OF HUMAN AFFECTION?!! THAT’S RIDICULOUS! OUR ADORATION IS JUST AS WONDERFUL AS ANYONE’S!! IF HE WINS AND THEN DOESN’T GO I THINK I’D DRIVE MY CAR INTO A RIVER. MAYBE HE’LL LOVE US IF WE DEDICATE ENOUGH SONGS TO HIM ON THE RADIO.
Ben Zobrist
Ben has gone to the All-Star Game before, but only because Joe Madden packed him with the rest of his luggage. This time, he’d be going because people actually like him. Which, to Ben Zobrist, is a special thing; unlike that impossible-to-read Paul Konerko who prefers to leave the fans emotionally devastated.
The Correct Choice Is: Huh? Oh, sorry. A… Adam Jones, I think. Or I don’t know. Do you think Paul Konerko would like this shawl I’m embroidering for him with his number on it? I guess he could give it to his wife or something. I don’t really even like him that much, I just… I need to him to like us.
NL
Ian Kennedy
Kennedy recently received public support from teammate Justin Upton, so not only will we soon discover who of these Final Vote candidates are going to be All-Stars, but we shall also see how valuable the Upton Advocacy is. His helmet has stated publicly that he can be pretty convincing.
The Diamondbacks are already pissed off the Ian isn’t on the team already, forcing them to go through the intense fun that the Final Vote creates. For instance, did you know that you can vote an unlimited number of times for your favorite players? Unlimited! It’s the Olive Garden breadsticks of online voting! Come on, Dbacks. Like you have anything more important to do.
Shane Victorino
In his last All-Star appearance, Shane singled off Roy Halladay which ZOMG LOL THEY’RE ON THE SAME TEAM NOW. But its important to quell the giggles of the past we endure this extremely serious process.
Shane is actually hurt right now, so those campaigning for him have a bit more convincing to do. Asking people to vote objectively for a player who might not be able to play sounds like a dumb thing, but what you aren’t remembering is that Shane automatically gets the votes of everyone in Hawaii and all WWE fans. So he may do this with or without your help, assuming those aren’t all the same people.
Andre Ethier
Unlike Konerko, Andre Ethier is all about commanding the masses to do his bidding.
"“There’s three and a half days left — punch your fingers away. There’s East Coast bias out there, so this is a chance for us West Coasters to overcome it. If we need added incentive, there it is, to put a Dodger in the All-Star Game.”* ** ***–Andre Ethier"
*MLB does not condone the punching of one’s own fingers. All-Star voting is in no way affected by self-inflicted hand-wounds. Please disregard this statement.
**Overcoming the East Coast bias of baseball is made much easier when team owners are not currently running their own franchise into the ground, repeatedly.
***There are actually already two Dodgers in the All-Star Game, Matt Kemp and Clayton Kerhsaw. This last comment makes no sense.
Todd Helton
According to one Denver-area journalist, Helton deserves your vote because he isn’t like those prissy-britches out there on that East Coast. He’s got a truck, and a fork, and a beard, and a face, and I do believe he once punched a bull moose in the skull right before going home and impregnating a town… with hope. And babies. With beards.
"“His idea of fine dining is Cracker Barrel. The Tennessee native would rather walk home on a 95-degree afternoon than swap a pickup truck for a Mini Cooper. I figured Helton had forgiven the stupidity of my suggestion that the greatest player in franchise history should retire when he walked by me in the clubhouse recently and, without uttering a word, gave a slap to my haunches.”–Mark Kiszla, Denver Post"
Todd Helton is an ass-smackin’, meat-chewin’ specimen of a man and if you don’t vote for him, then turn your penis into Man HQ because you’re a cot damn sissy-man.
Michael Morse
"“Right now, I’ll do whatever it takes.”–Michael Morse"
Michael Morse is the anti-Konerko. He’s the kind of guy who makes you toss your “Please <3 Us, Paul” embroidery aside and start clicking the left mouse button. Why, he’s even started fishing for votes from the Japanese, claiming he wants to “…represent the Nats on baseball’s biggest stage,” apparently unaware that ESPN is already telling us that Sunday Night Baseball is baseball’s biggest stage.
Regardless of where the giant stage that baseball is played on sometimes currently is, Morse is the young blood of the group, willing to do anything to succeed. Experts are saying he’s crystallizing into a franchise legend right before our eyes. However, he does play on the east coast, and as Andre Ethier pointed out, if Morse was to be voted in, it would be because of the bias.
The Correct Answer Is: I’m leaning toward Morse, but I’m also terrified that Mark Kiszla will show up where I work and shout at me about how I don’t deserve my own balls.