Your 2011 MLB Holiday Shopping Guide

Wait, don’t go Christmas shopping!  Pull back into the driveway, slam the garage door shut, and cut the phone line.  You can spend the winter going nice and insane, just like you intended, without being forced to leave the comfort and warmth of your den.  Finish that opus of yours, or have a steaming cup of cocoa with those voices who won’t go away.  Apparently that’s your family.  Apparently you owe them some attention.

But no worries!  Regardless of your reasons, Major League Baseball is here to help, with gift ideas available online for everyone on your list!

Middle-Aged Son Still Living at Home

Every time you hint at him moving out, he rolls his eyes and shouts “The economy!”  Sadly, he’s got a point, but it’d be a lot more believable if every conversation with him wasn’t held over the manic gunfire of Battlefield 3.

His idea for an action-figure display museum never really took off, and you’re beginning to wonder if it ever got past the planning stage.  I mean, he certainly put the time in to play with them, which, as a fully grown adult, was a tad offputting.  Especially to the dates he’d bring home.

But its Christmas, so maybe you can save that hard talk for after the holidays.  In the mean time, how about giving him some MLB player figurines?  They’re… slightly more normal for an adult to own and show off.  Maybe if a girl sees him making Thor and Albert Pujols fight each other, she won’t immediately wonder what the hell she’s doing here.

Maybe.

Angry Neighbor

He may not be pleasing to look at, in his bathrobe, pointing accusingly at something, be it your bird bath or a car parked too closely to a fire hydrant.

But he’s got feelings too, and it’s pretty clear with the way that he umpires humanity that his bitterness stems from getting kicked out of umpiring school.  Its time to bring those dreams back with The Virtual Umpire Camp CD-ROM.  Does he actually have a chance at being an MLB umpire?

Good god no.  He doesn’t even have a chance at garnering the respect of his parakeet.  But this program should distract him for a while; long enough for the neighborhood to become slightly more pleasant for a few months.  If you’re lucky, you can get through holiday party season without him calling the cops.

Besides, did you know Joe West is allowed to be an umpire?  Maybe your insane, emotionally vacant neighbor’s got a chance after all.

Screw-Up of an Uncle

Ah, Christmas dinner.  The whole family’s here; grandpa’s at the head of the table, about to carve the turkey; wacky Aunt Glenda is showing off her tackiest sweater; cousin Phil just surprised everyone by coming home early from Afghanistan.  The magic of theholiday is really culminating in this room, bringing everyone toge–

Wha… what the hell was that?  Did you hear that?  It sounded like someone knocking on the door, but it was so… intrusive and… haunting.  Even for a simple knock on the door, it lacked rhythm.  If this were a horror movie, I’d wager whoever opened that door was risking an ice pick to the eye socket.

Nope, its just Uncle Wayne.  Huh.  Didn’t know he was in town.  Probably wouldn’t have invited him if we had known.

Judging by the rusty hatchback parked on your lawn, he didn’t drive here under the best of conditions.  Apparently his wife left him this morning because he lost his fifth job in two months.  It wasn’t his fault, though–his friend bet him he couldn’t do a lap around the hardware store on the riding mower without knocking something over.  How was he supposed to know the manager was standing behind that rack of rototillers?

Anyways, his ulcers are back, too.  Hey, you got any booze?  Like, good booze.  He’s not drinking anymore but he’s willing to make an exception for the holiday.  And most other days.

Uncle Wayne needs some cheering up.  Why not give him the MLB Bloopers DVD you were going to give your son?  At least he can see video evidence that even highly paid and respected professionals screw up from time to time.  And besides, it’ll give his cat something to watch when he passes out in the middle of the afternoon.  From “exhaustion.”

Oh.  Never mind.  His cat left him too.

That Stray Dog That Keeps Going Through Your Garbage

“Can we keep him?!” your kids keep shouting.

“Of course we can,” you reply, only to catch that gaze from your wife–you know, the one that clearly says “I’ve got the divorce papers in my sock drawer.”

But just because your wife hates you doesn’t mean you can’t secretly keep the dog for yourself.  And what better way to claim ownership of something than to strap a collar on it featuring your favorite baseball team’s logo?  Hell, it worked for your kids, right?  Until your wife saw what you’d done and gave you that other look–the “We both know your meds are in the garbage disposal” one.\

And for that reason, MLB has a collection of dog collars for the probably diseased and definitely not child-friendly animal who nightly rummages through your waste.