Catcher: Brian McCann
Starting at catcher is Brian McCann. This was possibly the easiest choice. He now has two home plate stoppings on his resume, adding Carlos Gomez to the already halted Jose Fernandez. McCann may not be the most intimidating catcher in the league, or on his team for that matter, but he’s been there and done that, so he gets the spot.
First Base: Todd Helton
Nothing against Freddie Freeman, but he did not make the situation any better last night. He was the favorite heading in, but he escalated the situation rather than stopping it, so the man for the job is Todd Helton. One of the nicest and most unassuming guys in the league is also one of the most seasoned veterans. He would have gotten right next to Gomez and given him an ‘intimidating dad’ look. Gomez would have had flashbacks to his childhood and sprint around the bases to hide behind mom in the dugout.
Wasn’t anyone else a little bit afraid of their dad?
Anyway, if that wouldn’t work Helton could always just ride his new horse to the third base line and leave him parked there.
Second Base: Dustin Pedroia
Remember when David Ortiz was called out on strikes that were more than a mile apart? The Orioles bullpen phone remembers. Even while he was full of rage, the 6’4″ Ortiz was stopped in his tracks by optical daggers shot from this 5’9″ scrapper.
Third Base: Adrian Beltre
Don’t look so surprised Adrian, everyone knows your secret. There’s no denying it. You are crazy.
Not letting anyone touch your head, that’s kinda crazy, messing with your teammates on infield pop-ups, that’s kinda crazy too. But also, you’re terrifying.
If there wasn’t a sense of fear for their own safety, your teammates probably wouldn’t enjoy messing with your head so much.
If Gomez was rounding the hot corner manned by Beltre, I don’t think he would have been pointing at his knee or hollering at the pitcher.
Shortstop: Brendan Ryan
This one might be a little harder to explain, but hear me out. Brendan Ryan is hilarious and has millions of impressions putting him in the ‘diffuse the situation’ category.
Maybe Gomez is a fan of Goodfellas, Ryan does a dynamite Robert De Niro.
Perhaps he is a fan of the More Cowbell sketch, Ryan does Walken, too.
Maybe he likes Tim Burton’s Batman, Ryan’s got Jack Nicholson all cued up.
Or maybe he just needed to hear the call from one of the greatest color commentators of all time. Lucky for Gomez, Ryan has mastered Harry Caray as well.
If one of those doesn’t take Gomez off his war path then nothing will.