A Mock Christmas List for All 30 Teams

Christmas is just a few days away so I thought I would break from the norm and try to get into the holiday spirit. To do just that I put together a Christmas list for each of the 30 major league teams. Some of these are goofy, some are fun, some are stupid and some are actually serious (sort-of).

Arizona Diamondbacks: For the only breeze at Chase Field to come from the cooling system and not from the D-Backs batters 1,529 times. That and wider bats.

Atlanta Braves: For Bobby Cox to pull a Pat Riley and a really really oversized glove for Brooks Conrad.

Baltimore Orioles: To be teleported to another division and for a GM whose name does not imply failure.

Boston Red Sox: For a case of Phiten necklaces. Maybe if he wears enough of them Josh Beckett can rediscover his career.

Chicago Cubs: A kevlar vest for Tyler Colvin and an act of god to actually reach the World Series.

Chicago White Sox: A nightly network talk-show for Ozzie Guillen. It may not help the Sox specifically, but it would be great fun for everyone.

Cincinnati Reds: For Bronson Arroyo to use some of his new found wealth to produce another CD and a new contract for Joey Votto.

Cleveland Indians: For 30 Smooth Santana home runs and for the safe return of Grady Sizemore‘s plate discipline.

Colorado Rockies: To get away with more humidor hi-jinx and an MVP award for Car-Go or Tulo.

Detroit Tigers: Another 400 SO season for the duo of Verlander and Scherzer.

Florida Marlins: For Hanley, Gaby, Mike and Logan to lead the offensive charge in support of a talented but inconsistent rotation.

Houston Astros: For a player younger than 25 to have a break out year at the major league level and to avoid getting passed in the standings by the Pittsburgh Pirates.

Kansas City Royals: Something more than a Triple-A rotation. Seriously I’m a big fan of the return the Royals received for Zack Greinke, but Luke Hochevar as the staff ace? Ugh.

Los Angeles Angels: To actually add a player of some significance to a lineup that needs help badly (Adrian Beltre, I’m looking at you).

Los Angeles Dodgers: For Matt Kemp to remember how to play defense and for the reconcilation of Jamie and Frank McCourt. Okay maybe not that last one …

Milwaukee Brewers: For something to happen that allows them to avoid the fate of watching Yuniesky Betancourt for an entire season.

Minnesota Twins: For a healthy Justin Morneau and the return of Porn-stache Pavano.

New York Mets: To find a way to launder and move the dead money and bad contracts bogging down their payroll.

New York Yankees: I have a feeling that Father Time is not going to be kind to the Yanks this year so a generous supply of the elixir of youth seems to be most appropriate. I hear beetroot juice is all the rage these days.

Oakland Athletics: For the acquisition of Jose Guillen so they can accomplish their goal of recreating the Kansas City Royals 2009 Opening Day outfield.

Philadelphia Phillies: That no one on the active roster has to utter the words; “rotator cuff” or “Tommy John” unless, of course, they are talking about Tommy’s fine career. Then all is well.

Pittsburgh Pirates: For the young Pirates to go from worst to first in the NL in terms of runs scored. And for the pitching staff to make all of those extra runs hold up.

San Diego Padres: For Cameron Maybin to finally start to make good on his considerable potential, and for someone to hit more than 20 home runs.

San Francisco Giants: For the Freak, and his friends, to continue to be downright nasty.

Seattle Mariners: For someone else to emerge that can be universally known by only their first name a-la Ichiro and Felix.

St. Louis Cardinals: For Lance Berkman to be more Big Puma and less Fat Elvis roaming the outfield in 2011.

Tampa Bay Rays: To finally get a new stadium and for Desmond Jennings to have a season that makes Rays fans ask “Carl who?”

Texas Rangers: For Josh Hamilton and Nelson Cruz to stay healthy together for an entire season. For Elvis Andrus to continue to channel his inner Ozzie (Smith that is). Finally for someone to clone Cliff Lee and get said clone into a Rangers uniform.

Toronto Blue Jays: To break the team single-season HR record in hopes that someone will actually notice their existence in the AL East.

Washington Nationals: For their pitching staff to teach congress a little something about being effective and efficient. Hey, every little bit helps …