Manny Ramirez Through the Eyes of Children
By Justin Klugh
"“Some people think Manny Ramirez seems crazy. Others find him childish. Ramirez’s fans enjoy the oddball side of him, though.”—Meet Manny Ramirez: Baseball’s Grand Slam Hitter by Sloan MacRae"
I remember watching the ’93 Phils on Macho Row work through the NL not like a well-trained squad of silent assassins, using precise skill and rehearsed methods, but like a team of drunk GI Joes, storming through an enemy battalion with a blow torch and a canister of WD40. At the head of this mission was catcher Darren Daulton, who became the de facto team leader, a strong head on his shoulders, and a powerful, RBI-inducing swing.
People look at Darren Daulton now and think, “Wow, that orange-shaded man has chosen this live television interview to explain how he talks to lizards. I am doubtful of this claim.” I am one of these people.
But if it had not been for my adolescent admiration of his on the field heroics; if this confession of his increasingly habitual interdimensional travel had been my first exposure to the man, I would have interpreted it as the rantings of a lunatic, not the evolution of a totally normal man’s system of beliefs (or whatever).
Things have changed. For instance, I am not a child anymore. I have keys and a cell phone and friends.
But what else has changed? As we turn into young adults or twentysomethings or whatever the New York Times has dubbed us this morning, a new generation of children has been born into a world where the Red Sox have only been cursed for two years and change. Its Tim McCarver’ssenility that makes him talk that way. And to the very young, perfect games just sort of happen whenever the pitcher wants them too.
And to those same kids, Manny Ramirez exists as a human question mark, void of any knowledge of basic human interaction, and apparently the English language.
This sort of thing is an easily trackable series of childishness/idiocy/WTF?throughout his career, so it is not evident to everyone; namely, those who have not been alive long enough to see it.
What, then, would a child think to look upon the puzzling theatrics of a Manny Ramirez? Would their still-fresh imagination somehow allow the behavior to spill into an explanation? Or would they turn to their father and ask, “Daddy, why is that mascot allowed to play for the team?”
And, in a little jolt to the young’n’s sense of logic, the father will answer, “Because he is one of the greatest hitters of all time.”
1995: Manny Forgets his Paycheck in a Pair of Boots
“Ha, ha! Manny’s so funny. That’s why he’s my favorite player. When I’m batting, I pretend I’m him, and I hit a home run every time!”
“No you don’t!”
“In my imagination. I meant. But I love Manny. I love him because he loves the game more than getting paid! Why else would you forget your money in some boots!”
“I like his hair.”
“I like home runs!”
“Baseball players make a kerjillion dollars!”
“Daddy says if I’m not in bed by 8, the Unabomber will send me a gift.”
1998: Manny Removes Himself from Cleveland Lineup; Claims “Sore Calves”
“My daddy and I drove all the way to Jacobs Field to see Manny, and he couldn’t play because of an injury! They said he had “sore calves.”
“What are calves?”
“Daddy says sometimes players make up injuries just to avoid playing. Actually, he says that almost never happens, but Manny is probably doing it.”
“Why wouldn’t he want to play baseball?”
2000: Manny Promises to Meet with High School Players and Coach; Never Shows
“My big brother plays at Manny Ramirez’s old high school!”
“Whooooa!”
“I know, I know! Him and some of his teammates and coaches were going to meet him!”
“WHOOOOOOOA!”
“I KNOW! He didn’t show up, though.”
“… oh.”
“They don’t know why, either. But I’ll bet he had to get to practice early or something.”
“Is that what he said?”
“…”
2008: Manny Shoves 64-Year-Old Man
“I heard Manny tried to get 16 tickets for his friends!”
“I wish I was friends with Manny!”
“I wish I could buy 16 tickets to a Red Sox game!”
“We could take our whole team!”
“YEAH!”
“But he didn’t get them, though. Then he shoved that old man.”
“…”
“…”
“… my grandpa is an old man.”
“…”
2010: Manny Gets Thrown Out in Final AB as a Dodger
“Manny sure looks angry.”
“What happened?!”
“I don’t know, the umpire called a strike and he… he just started screaming at him.”
“He looked like daddy with the pizza man.”
“Why doesn’t he want to play baseball? He’s so good at it!”
“I don’t understand… why was he yelling at him?”
“Doesn’t he know that it was probably his last time in Dodger Stadium??”
“I like pizza.”
2010: Manny Forgets How to Speak English
“I didn’t know Manny couldn’t speak English.”
“He… he can. Can’t he?”
*Confused silence*
“I know I’ve heard him talk in Eng–”
“”What is ‘Plan B‘ and why are there so many commercials for it on MTV?”
The author of this post neither has children, nor is he often permitted to speak to them.
Image courtesy of Club Femina
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