And Here’s a Guy Who Says the Giants Fan Was Asking For It

People, I don’t like to gawk at a car accident.  But sometimes, a piece of writing comes along that is so insane, it’s like driving past a wreck in which a clown car has smashed into a train carrying the Cloverfield monster, and it’s just too surreal to not stop and stare.

John Steigerwald of Western PA’s Observer-Reporter has provided us with just such a scenario in writing form.

Go go gadget FJM emulation.

“Know when you’ve outgrown the uniform.”

"“Maybe it’s time for sports fans to grow up.”"

That’s totally appropriate.  I mean, the 2011 baseball season is in its infancy, and we already have several examples of childish, stupid behavior.  Of course, this is also a fairly redundant point, as bad shit happens every year, and it will never, ever change.

"“As I’m writing this, Bryan Snow, a 42-year-old paramedic with two kids from Sacramento, is in a medically induced coma in a Los Angeles hospital with a fractured skull and serious brain injuries.Part of his skull had to be removed to allow for the swelling of his brain.”"

Wow.

Okay, so obviously this is an article about how the despicable men who put Bryan Snow (It’s “Brian Stow,” by the way, John, but this is the internet and I know spelling takes a back seat to journalism or whatever it is you’re trying to do here) in this horrifying condition.  We’ve read plenty of these columns already, but hey, one more can’t hurt because the message is pretty important.

"“Snow went to the Los Angeles Dodgers’ home opener on April 1 wearing a San Francisco Giants jersey. That was obviously too much for two 20-something men wearing Dodger blue to handle. Witnesses say that after the game, they came up on Snow from behind in the parking lot, knocked him down and kicked him as they spewed expletives about the San Francisco Giants.”"

I mean, sure, as a Phillies fan, I’ve yelled at my fair share of people in Mets jerseys.  But its all in good fun, and they usually just smack the ice cream out of my hand and walk away as I sob, trying to scoop the mess off the pavement and back into the cone, whispering “Its still good… its still good…”  But this instance was obviously a criminal offense and not good-natured ribbing, or even bad-natured elbowing.  It was assault.

"“It’s probably safe to say that the two “Dodgers” were high on something or things, but somewhere in their sick, juvenile minds, they probably also thought they were doing their duty as Dodger fans.They were protecting Dodger turf.”"

Okay… like, maybe.  I guess.  But still…

"“Just before he was beaten to within an inch of his life, Snow texted some friends and said that he was “scared inside the stadium.”"

… uh huh…

"“Maybe someone can ask Snow, if he ever comes out of his coma, why he thought it was a good idea to wear Giants’ gear to a Dodgers’ home opener when there was a history of out-of-control drunkenness and arrests at that event going back several years.”"

So, because this sentence winds up being a snide comment at the expense of an innocent guy who was beaten within an inch of his life, I assume that mention of the coma at the beginning was supposed to be, like… a joke?  Because people in comas can’t talk?

What is this?  Why is this happening?

"“Remember when it was the kids who were wearing the team jerseys to games? It was a common sight to see an adult male coming through the turnstile dressed as a regular human being with a kid dressed in a “real” jersey holding his hand.Cute.”"

People in jerseys aren’t regular human beings?

"“Are the 42-year-olds who find it necessary to wear their replica jerseys to a road game, those kids who are now fathers who haven’t grown up?”"

I guess I have to back up from the crime at Dodger stadium you’ve been referring to, back up from poor fan behavior, and back up from baseball in general to explain to you, John Steigerwald, that yes, that is how the passage of time works.  Now, let’s climb our way back to the topic at hand so we can see the awful, awful point you’re getting to through all of this.

"“Are there really 40-something men who think that wearing the jersey makes them part of the team? It was cute when a 10-year-old kid got that feeling by showing up at Three Rivers Stadium in a Pirates jersey, but when did little boys stop growing out of that?”"

You sure know a lot about the fashion trends of little boys, John Steigerwald!  And that is the least alarming thing about this article, weirdly enough.

I’m going to say that no, there is no one who wears a team jersey to a game who thinks they are part of the team, unless they are dangerously delusional or actually a part of the team.  No one does that.  No one.  There is not a single person who throws on their jersey, jumps on the metro, tailgates for two hours, then shows up at the players’ entrance, demanding to be let in.

There is not a single person who wears a replica team jersey and thinks that.  Nobody.  Never.  That’s just dumb.

"“Here’s tip for you if you actually think that wearing your team’s jersey makes you a part of the team:It doesn’t.”"

Oooooooooooooooooh shit!  John Steigerwald, really taking the zero people who do that to task!

"“The team is those guys down on the field, ice or court who are, you know, actually playing the games. They like the noise you make as a group, and they love playing in front of you. If you’re an adult, and you approach them in a replica game jersey with their name on it and your face is painted, you scare them.”"

Yes, because the standard reaction to this:

…would be “GET AWAY YOU STRANGE DEVIL.”

Baseball players spend entire games surrounded by tens of thousands of people in replica jerseys.  I would guess that none of them notice or care what the fans are wearing.  My dentist doesn’t think I’m insane for brushing my teeth, either.

What terror-stricken baseball team did you follow, John Steigerwald?  One that is so mortified by their fans wearing their jerseys that they refuse to leave the locker room as the thunderous stomps of their 40,000 fans thump from above?

Seriously, what the fuck is this guy talking about?

"“If you don’t put that jersey on in the locker room with them and have your own name on your jersey, you’re not one of them.Let’s review: If you’re sitting in the stands, you’re a spectator, a fan. If you’re down on he field, you’re part of the team.”"

Look, I know you’re trying to do the “patronizing reiteration” thing, but when you’re stating a point that doesn’t exist, it just makes you look all the more batshit insane.

"“Obviously, not every fan who wears his team’s jersey to a game is looking for someone from “the enemy” to beat up. But maybe somebody should do a psychological study to find out if all those game jerseys have contributed to the new mob mentality that seems to exist in the stands these days.”"

Nah, fuck it.  Let’s just have somebody write a column based on no facts, make up a standpoint on the issue for a bunch of pro athletes without asking any, and then adopt a sarcastic tone while trying to explain why the brainless idea makes total sense.

"“There’s an outside chance that alcohol plays a role but apparently, the teams have ruled that out and continue to sell $9 beers.”"

HA HA BEER EXPENSIVE. THAT SO TRUE.  THAT FUNNY BECAUSE TRUE.

People drink beer outside of baseball stadiums and then go inside of them.  Also sometimes crimes happen outside of baseball stadiums by people wearing replica jerseys and may not be even related to baseball.  Also no one who wears a replica jersey thinks they are now playing for a baseball team.  Also no baseball team has “ruled out” that alcohol can affect their fans negatively.  Also you’re clearly insane.

"“If you’re one of two or three guys wearing Steelers jerseys sitting in the middle of the Dawg Pound in Cleveland, guess what? The Steelers players can’t see you and even if they could, they’re not really getting a lot of inspiration from you.”"

Don’t express your fandom in opposing team stadiums, because the other team doesn’t know who you are.  Isn’t it great how two ideas can be next to each other and automatically make sense because of their proximity!  Ha, ha!  Writing!

Although, personally, I wear a jersey to show my support, not because I think it doubles as an all-access pass to a new career as a baseball player.  I also don’t think, “Sure, these opposing fans may not like that I’m wearing this Phillies jersey, but at least if there’s trouble, the Phillies will have my back.”

WHAT KIND OF BRAIN DID THESE NOTIONS COME FROM.  HAVE YOU EVER LEFT YOUR HOUSE, JOHN STEIGERWALD.  HAVE YOU EVER SPOKEN TO ANOTHER HUMAN PERSON ON ANY TOPIC.

"“Why not just go to the Browns game in Cleveland dressed as a regular human being? When did it become necessary to wear a uniform to the game?”"

It’s not “necessary,” we’re fans and that’s how we… god damn it what is the point.