What We Need More of is Derek Jeter

Derek Jeter got his 3,000th hit!  It’s over!  The pressure’s off him, the clock has stopped ticking, and we can all take a break from scrutinizing his every move for a little while.  Right, Hal Bodley?

“Jeter should be front and center on ASG stage.“

Oh.  Here we go.

"Derek Jeter is the face of baseball."

This is the beginning of the article and we are already a good deal up Derek Jeter’s colon.  Its not that Derek Jeter isn’t the face of baseball.  Its just that this is information that’s been fired from an internet shotgun directly into our faces at point blank range, non stop, for months.

But maybe there is a point outside of “Derek Jeter is Great” that we’re migrating toward.  Then again this is Hal Bodley we’re talking about so this is probably a meandering story about a typewriter or something.

"Of all the great players who’ll take the field for Tuesday night’s 82nd All-Star Game, he’s the one everyone would like to see. Make that expects to see."

Did he just correct himself in mid-article?  Hal, you could have fixed that in a process called “editing,” but… personally, I suspect you left it in their on purpose, you sly dog.

"But Jeter won’t be in Phoenix, leaving the fans at Chase Field and millions more watching on television with an empty feeling."

Sorry, every other player in baseball.  We checked the stats and your “Being Derek Jeter per Nine Innings” ratios were utter horse shit.  That leaves us with a Midsummer Classic chock full of hollowed out meat puppets with absolutely zero appeal.  Food turns to ash in our mouths.  Emotions that at one time swirled and danced within us have collapsed, breathless and dead.  For where is Derek Jeter to keep us alive?  Where is Derek Jeter to give us hope?  Where is Derek Jeter to turn the sun on in the morning; to give water to our crops; to tuck us in at night with a gingerly peck on the forehead and a whispered reminder that “Everything is going to be just fine.”

"Where’s Derek Jeter?The All-Star Game is one of baseball’s biggest stages, second only to the World Series. Derek Jeter should be on that stage, front and center, taking a bow for his storybook pursuit of 3,000 career hits."

It’d be pretty easy to sit here and say that all of the playoff games leading up to the World Series are more important than the All-Star Game, but if we were to point out all of the minutely incompetent facets of this journalistic nightmare we’d be here until Christmas (which would be an emotionally shattering experience if Derek Jeter wasn’t there to deliver our presents).  Instead, let us focus on the massive, sweeping pieces of crap that make this thing up.

Derek Jeter was voted into the All-Star Game, right?  That happened in 2011.  Whether or not he truly deserved it is up for debate–3,000 hits is legendary, but set in the context of an otherwise soundless season, Jeter’s been below the standard.  And that’s what the ASG focuses on–the current season.

But whatever.  We’re not talking about this.  We’re talking about the fact that Hal Bodley seems to be under the impression that someone is forcibly keeping Derek Jeter from getting to the ASG.  Which, and I’m saying this without being an MLB insider, but I don’t think there is.

"Soon after the Yankees’ captain went 5-for-5 on Saturday and celebrated his enormous achievement, he said the All-Star Game was out. Even though he was elected the American League’s starting shortstop, he said he wouldn’t be coming.I have deep respect for Jeter, but this was the wrong decision. Baseball and the All-Star Game need him."

‘Deep respect’ is a term anybody can throw around.  Hal Bodley has a throbbing baseboner for Derek Jeter, and he has whacked us in the face with it continuously over the years.  Anyone choosing not to play in the ASG is probably making the right decision, because they’re hurt and trying not to worsen the injury by playing in a game that doesn’t count in the W-L column.

But I didn’t need to explain that to you because everybody knows that and its common sense and come on Hal Bodley I’m positive even you know that.

"He says he’s emotionally drained and physically fatigued from the chase, not to mention the strained right calf which kept him on the disabled list for 17 days.Jeter doesn’t need to play.I don’t care how exhausted he is. Couldn’t he climb aboard the comfort of a private jet, arrive in Phoenix in the afternoon, show his face before the game and be gone?"

Hey, you’re talking to a guy who is more than willing to embrace any brand of Yankee-hate, regardless of the motivation behind it.  But I doubt the crowds in Phoenix, who are currently booing Prince Fielder for not selecting Justin Upton in the Home Run Derby, really give a shit whether or not Derek Jeter throws them a wave.

If this game was in New York–yeah, it would probably be a given.  But I think the world has seen enough of Derek Jeter in the last decade, but in the past few months, somehow, his exposure has intensified. He’s the only player with a browser filter designed to block him out.

The tone in Bodley’s previous paragraph takes a darker turn as well–I DON’T CARE HOW EXHAUSTED YOU ARE, DEREK.  This sounds like a conversation that ends with “I won’t be ignored, Derek,” and then Jeter’s household pets start showing up dismembered and his ex-girlfriends go missing one by one and riddles are painted on his bathroom mirror with his cat’s blood.

"Wouldn’t it be a great surprise, a tremendous addition to All-Star week, to have Jeter unexpectedly be announced and take the field before the game, tip his hat and toss one of the ceremonial pitches?"

Yeah.  “Surprise.”  That’s the emotion people feel when they see Derek Jeter at an MLB event.

If the goal was to shock people, they wouldn’t mention Derek Jeter a single time during the broadcast.  But I wouldn’t want any MLB broadcasters to be in violation of the Jeter Clause in their contracts (“Derek Jeter’s name must be mentioned no less than 20 times during a telecast in a tone of syrupy, dreamlike wonder, with the option of a sexually charged sigh following it.”)

"After he became the first player to reach 3,000 hits with the Yankees, he told the media he lied to them during the final days of the chase, saying he was indeed under pressure and stressed.Soon after, he said he was skipping the All-Star Game and resting his calf injury.The decision immediately fueled controversy because he was able to play in six consecutive games, but not able to go the All-Star Game."

…the difference being that regular season baseball games have immediate impact on the season you know what why should I even bother.  Also Derek Jeter is a liar. Hal Bodley is going to dismember so many of his cats…

I think the world of baseball will live through one Jeterless evening.  Besides, soon the All-Star break will be over, and we can all get back to repeatedly whispering his name as we drift off to sleep again.