Welcome to a Very Fancy Online Baseball Auction

Heritage Auctions is at it again, and this time they’ve got shelves upon shelves of priceless baseball autographs to sell!  So throw on your best old-timey hat, jump on the flying machine, and let’s hit up an online auction!

Baseball Kissed by Marilyn Monroe 

Expected Price:  $20,000

Same as Cost of:  Google’s bounty on itself

I’m not sure you could pack much more “1927 America” into a single object.  Joe DiMaggio?  The rest of the Yankees?  Marilyn Monroe’s lipstick?  Maybe if they’d thrown in come confetti from Charles Lindbergh’s ticker-tape parade and a copy of The Jazz Singer and some regulated radio frequencies from the newly formed FCC.

So maybe it’s just two things, but they are two really popular things.  Apparently, this was an age where each baseball team was assigned a Hollywood celebrity as a cheerleader, and what do you know, the Yanks got the hottest one of the era.  Marilyn put her lips to the ball after it had been passed around the team and before DiMaggio had punched her enough times to ask for a divorce.

The real question is, how did they get this out of James Earl Jones’ house from The Sandlot?  It’s pretty classless to steal from a blind guy, a cop told me once.

Game-Worn Cy Young Jersey

Expected Price:  $350,000

Same as Cost of:  Robot dinosaur

“The most important Cy Young artifact ever offered at auction,” they’re calling it.  Sure, Cy may have led the league in wins five times and won two ERA titles, but modern statistics have proven that wins and ERA don’t matter.  So do you really want to pay this much for the uniform of a man whose accomplishments have faded in time, especially when there’s an animatronic triceratops out there just waiting to look perfect in your living room?

Yeah, probably, if you’re a baseball fan, and also your wife doesn’t mind letting your dream house slip through your fingers.

“Shoeless” Joe Jackson’s Bat, ‘Black Betsy’

Expected Price:  $300,000

Same as Cost of:  One night with Justin Bieber

This bat was already sold once, 10 years ago, for $577,610.  On eBay.

I can’t imagine there are a lot of players with such strong allegiances to a single piece of equipment anymore (Why, there’s even a city in West Virginia not named after it!).  Pitchers toss back balls just because they don’t like them, bats are shattering on a nightly basis and thankfully somehow not impaling anyone, batting gloves are tossed aside once a runner gets on base.  It’s refreshing to think that Joe Jackson was attached enough to Black Betsy that he not only used her in every at-bat, but sent her away to be repaired when she did break.

Of course, there are plenty of painfully unrefreshing aspects of Jackson’s career, but none of those are for sale in this auction.

Game-Worn Lou Gehrig Jersey from Japan

Expected Price:  $300,000

Same as Cost of:  George Washington’s overdue library books

It seems the barnstorming tour of Japan Lou went on with Babe, Jimmie, and the guys resulted in some of the most mysteriously located jerseys of all time.  In fact, they were going to be the focus of the next National Treasure movie until Nicolas Cage logically decided to make Season of the Witch instead.  Which is not a baseball movie.  I now know.

But it’s not so much the country in which the uniform was worn that makes it valuable; it’s what was said while Gehrig was wearing it.  Also, the country probably has a lot to do with it.  Whatever.  This fancy hat doesn’t give me insight, it just makes me look professional and cool.

Apparently Gehrig and Babe Ruth had a terrific falling out while overseas that all started when Gehrig’s mother said Ruth’s daughter dressed like a slut.  Ruth then politely told Gehrig he would never speak to him again, and didn’t for six years.  Awww.  The Yankees were a real family!

Misspelled Ronald Reagan Autographed Ball

Expected Price:  $10,000

Same as Cost of:  Ozzy Osborne’s yorkie

This one only comes to us from 1984, when Ronald Reagan was for some reason 1).  Asked to sign a baseball and 2).  Unable to spell his own name.  Well, actually, he spelled it right, he just for some reason wrote his last name twice instead of the traditional “first name followed by last” technique that most first graders have down pretty well.

Still weird.

…

*Raises paddle* $20,000!