Picture the principles of Black Friday shopping applied to baseball free agents. Maybe this is the day to cut a deal.
Spies say that in the genuine spirit of the nation’s shop-a-thon general managers began lining up outside of Albert Pujols‘ house at 3 a.m. sitting in lawn chairs hoping to catch a glimpse of the Great One when the sun came up. Time to do business, Al! Knock a few million bucks off your price because we had the stamina and determination to skip turkey day with our families and worship at your feet.
Hello, Mark Buehrle, what’s on the menu? Remember how Theo Epstein barged into Curt Schilling‘s life for holiday chow some years back? Surely you will offer us a cut-rate deal on Black Friday because we showed how much we love you by showing up at 12:01. We’re here to make the deal of the century. Cut us a break. Let’s pretend we’re at Best Buy and we’ll throw in a big screen TV.
Jose! Jose! Jose Reyes, let’s go shopping at the mall together! We’ll window shop at all of the stores and if you see something you like, an electric drill, a cuisinart, we’ll pay if you give us a discount on playing shortstop for us. This is the biggest shopping day of the year and neither you nor my team wants to go home empty-handed. It would be un-American.
Only the lazy and those silly enough to spend Thanksgiving with their families, stuffing their faces with stuffing, turkey, gravy, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce and pie would hang out in their own living room instead of hitting the road in pursuit of baseball talent.
Don’t you dare take your phone off the hook because it is a national holiday. We’re trying to give you milllions of reasons to be thankful.
Black Friday is the biggest shopping day across the land and that applies to baseball, too, or haven’t you heard? If you want to get ahead for spring training, or be ahead on July 4, you’ve got to troll the markets in November. There are deals to be had and if you don’t hustle now you might find the space under your Christmas tree bare on Dec. 25 and you will be stuck in your bedroom crying instead of drinking egg nog with St. Nick.
C’mon guys, sign on the dotted line. Our owners gave us millions of dollars to play with, not play money, to spend and it’s burning a hole in our pockets. We are caught up in the shopping whirl in this shopping world today when every department store, furniture, jewelry store, shoe store, and clothing store has put everything on sale so it can make a profit later.
We’re no different than other businesses. We want to get our holiday shopping done early when the goods are freshest, when everyone who wasn’t on the disabled list last year looks their best. We’re out here ready to spend, spend, spend.
David Ortiz, how much will it take to woo you away from the Red Sox? We’ll throw in a gift certificate to the Big Man Clothing Store. Can we do business, David Aardsma? We’ll give you a gift certificate to WalMart.
All of you guys, listen up. We’re shopping. You’re shopping. Let’s get together and make a deal, just like all those other Americans on the day after Thanksgiving. It’s the newest American holiday. No buyer’s remorse. It’s the American Way.