Irrational Conclusions to Draw from One Week of Baseball
By Justin Klugh
The Disappointments
Phillies, Braves, Red Sox, Yankees
It may be hard to discern the normal horrified screams coming from a place like Philadelphia from the ones that are Phillies-centric, but they’re there, certainly. After starting the 2011 season with a sweep, they sure didn’t expect to begin the following year watching Andrew McCutchen sprint past the dugout in front of a roaring crowd of Pirates fans. Or that they would be doing it without World Series rings. Or their two best hitters.
The trick to surviving this ordeal is to dig up endless facts paralleling your current situation. For instance, did you know the last time the Braves started a season 0-3, they went onto win 103 games? Yes, you probably know that, because everyone retweeted that gem as soon as it hit the internet. Combined with the whole “Red Sox and Yankees haven’t both been 0-3 since 1966” thing and you’ve basically got Jayson Stark’s next column.
This, of course, can all be easily unraveled by the reminder that the team is playing like absolute dog shit right now. Besides, remember all that’s at stake?! Why, the Phillies are playing for their own cable network! Anymore of these harsh whispering mound conversations that don’t end in a victory and god only knows what people in Philadelphia will watch instead. Ever see La Salle College’s local access programming? It’s like watching a dream factory burn to the ground.
If there are any teams universally admired across the league, it’s the ones from New York and Boston, so everyone will be thrilled to know the Yankees and Sox have righted the ship, finally notching their first victories of the year. Very soon we’ll be back to being informed of their glorious history and current mastering of the game 28 other teams play just as regularly. The Phillies, on the other hand, seem to be doing a “downward spiral” kind of thing that’s just a lot harder to watch.
So good luck to these clearly ruined teams, who need to comfort themselves with Twitter facts and the promise of history repeating itself. Unless, hey; maybe it is 1966 again! Anybody know the status of Botswana’s independence? Is it achieved yet? Oh boy!