Oh man, this is going to be great. Roger Clemens and R.A. Dickey. The two biggest stories in baseball combined into the same blog post. I’m a genius. I’m an SEO master. This is going to change everything. This is going to totally revolutionize baseball blogging as we know it. Quick, someone print me out the latest Google Analytics spreadsheet! I need to see some numbers. I need to run some reports. Conversion and Clickthrough and PPC and all that. The Internet.
Alright, I should start with Roger Clemens. He’s probably the biggest draw, right? I don’t know. Asshole ex-MLB pitcher tied to steroids or endlessly interesting current MLB pitcher? Yeah, better go with Clemens. People love jerks and steroid talk. People don’t like nuance or intrigue. As a master of the Internet, this is something I know and embrace. So yeah, Roger Clemens. Can you believe that guy? Or, if you prefer, can you believe that jury? Can you believe our legal system? I can’t decide which mode of outrage is the best strategy.
- Roger Clemens is cheating scum and he gamed the system and he should never be allowed in the Hall of Fame.
- What the heck is wrong with that jury? Our legal system is totally broken!
- What an epic waste of tax payer money! Government should be focusing on way more important things like:
That should probably cover it, but just to be safe: Steroids steroids steroids. HGH. Andy Pettite.
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Awesome. This is going great. I can already see the page views racking up. This is diabolical.
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R.A. Dickey time. There are so many fascinating details and tidbits to cover. I don’t know if I have it in me after wielding the blunt tools necessary to write about Roger Clemens. Either way, it’s doubtful anyone is even reading this, so I’m probably in the clear. The plan remains foolproof. R.A. Dickey throws a knuckleball and he’s currently throwing it historically well. He’s dominating baseball in a way we may have never seen before. His performance has been equally astounding and rare. He’s thrown consecutive one-hitters. He hasn’t allowed an earned run in over 42 innings. He leads all the Major Leagues in strikeouts. He’s having his best season as a 37-year-old. He writes books. He climbs mountains. He names his baseball bats after famous swords from literature. Goblin Cleaver, Hrunting, what?! He’s articulate and book smart and the most charming shade of strange. He makes awesome crazy faces when he pitches. He’s the rare over-saturated narrative that actually deserves such treatment. He contains multitudes. He is in this world but not of it.
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Roger Clemens and R.A. Dickey. The two biggest stories in baseball combined into the same blog post. I don’t know why someone didn’t think of this sooner. It’s been sitting right here in front of us this whole time. Too simple, too elementary, too obvious to see. Until now.
I think we’re done here. I think I nailed it.