The Nationals are indeed America’s Team. First they gave us the great internet phenomenon “Clown Question, Bro,” and now, in submission to the veritable parlance of our baseballing times, they have presented us with “Weird Wuss.” “A Weird Wuss” is how National’s manager Davey Johnson decided to describe Ray’s manager Joe Maddon after a recent line of questioning. The two bespectacled field generals have been having a good old fashioned war of words ever since Tuesday evening’s Pine Tar Incident. And now, it seems, Johnson has decidedly won that war.
I don’t believe I’ve ever heard the words “weird” and “wuss” combined together in order to form an insult. The phrase has a clumsy alliterative charm to it, what with the “w” note of each word requiring a certain awkward maneuvering to sound out, especially when uttered aloud. It’s that charm that makes it great, however. “Weird Wuss” is strange and quixotic and inexplicably humorous. It makes you smirk mid-phrase despite yourself. It may be Davey Johnson’s greatest gift to mankind.
In honor of the quirky genius of “Weird Wuss” I’d like to present to the reader a collection of current baseball players and personalities who fit one or both of the applicable terms. A baseball player can be described as “weird,” and he can also be a “wuss,” it is the rare breed that elicits both words. Please understand that there are myriad ways to interpret the definition of both words, and offense is only intended where obvious.
Joe Maddon: Weird Wuss
Reasoning: Davey Johnson said so. Davey Johnson is a brilliant man and infallible.
Zack Greinke: Weird
Reasoning: Speaks his mind. Doesn’t fit lazy normative cliches of how baseball players should talk/act.
Tim Lincecum: Weird
Reasoning: Small in stature. Sometimes has long hair. Smokes marijuana. Says the F word a lot. Is nicknamed “The Freak” for goodness sake.
Jamie Moyer: Wuss
Reasoning: Throws baseballs at a very substandard velocity when compared to league average pitchers.
Nyjer Morgan: Weird
Reasoning: Cultivated the alter ego of one Tony Plush. Plays the sport of hockey. Dresses up like a cowboy. Owns a cat named “Slick Willy.” Actually, scratch that last one, naming your cat Slick Willy is objectively awesome.
Johnny Damon: Wuss
Reasoning: Throws baseballs at a very substandard velocity when compared to league average outfielders.
Milton Bradley: Weird
Reasoning: No comment.
Ben Revere: Wuss
Reasoning: Zero home runs in 656 Major League plate appearances.
Alex Rodriguez: Weird Wuss
Reasoning: Slaps baseballs out of gloves with his hands. That one picture where he’s just staring at himself in the mirror. Not clutch. That alleged centaur painting. Madonna. Whatever else the Biased/Not Biased Media would have you believe.