Baseball Last Night: What I Imagine it Was Like

I have a confession to make: I didn’t follow baseball last night. Shocking, I know. You’re shocked, right? Me, a “baseball blogger” (in the most emphatic square quotes I can convey in this medium) did not watch, follow, or otherwise read about the very sport he had previously been assigned to write about. I’m appalled at my own lack of professionalism. You might be wondering what I have to offer by way of an excuse. You might be wondering—realistically you’re probably not—but since I’m in charge of the words and your hypothetical interests here, I’ll simply say I did not follow baseball last night because my wife and I are in the process of purchasing a house. If you’d like any advice about this process, the only thing I’ve learned so far is that it’s a terrible idea. Just terrible. There are so many forms and documents and responsibilities and the whole thing is completely exhausting. You don’t even have the time or energy to watch baseball! Buying a house is the worst. Don’t do it. Continue to rent or live with your parents or whatever. There’s less paperwork and it’s totally free whenever you need someone to unclog your sink.

Seeing as I didn’t follow baseball last night, I really don’t have much of anything to rely on for reference or inspiration in this post. All I know is I like baseball, and you like baseball, and here we are, stuck in this awful mess I’ve constructed for the two of us. I have followed baseball’s current season rather closely, though, at least up to this point, so why don’t I just wing it? It wouldn’t be the first time, that’s for sure. How much could have really changed? Baseball players are people and people are predictable. It’s not like anyone hit three home runs in a single game or got suspended for performance enhancing drugs or anything like that. That kind of stuff never happens! So if you’ll indulge me, I’d like to offer you a handful of things I’m almost certain happened last night in the sport of baseball:

• The A’s and Orioles won baseball games, probably by only one run. They both continued their improbable and baffling and awesome rides towards the AL Wild Card crazy-times bonanza.
• Josh Hamilton swung a baseball bat and if flew out of his hands.
• Ditto for Brendan Ryan.
• The Boston Red Sox lost again, because ha ha Red Sox.
• Bobby Valentine said some words and the Boston media freaked out and blew the whole thing out of proportion.
• David Ortiz said the F-word during an interview.
• Mike Trout hit a home run, stole two bases, made an incredible catch in center field and rid the world of all disease.
• Chipper Jones tweeted something equal parts unintelligible and entertaining.
• Mariners fans walked around telling everyone who would listen about how Felix Hernandez threw a perfect game and is the greatest pitcher in baseball and will never leave Seattle.
• Bryce Harper unwittingly coined another popular catch phrase.
• Jose Altuve hit a three-run home run, because I don’t know, why not?
• Andrew McCutchen did many awesome things many times.
• Aroldis Chapman struck out the side and hit 101 mph multiple times.
• Many celebrities were spotted in the crowd at the Dodgers game and everyone really cared a whole lot.
• Heath Bell blew a save.

Kyle writes baseball nonsense at The Trance of Waiting. You can follow him on Twitter @AgainstKyle.