October 5, 2012; Atlanta, GA, USA; Former president Jimmy Carter attends the 2012 National League wild card playoff game between the Atlanta Braves and St. Louis Cardinals at Turner Field. Mandatory Credit: Daniel Shirey-US PRESSWIRE

Whose Stove is the Hottest Stove?


Each team has a stove, you see, and each team likes their stove to be hot. Hot stoves are better than cold stoves. Hot stoves are active. Hot stoves labor for a time and then produce delicious results. And it is presently critical stove time. It just so happens that our current season is the hot stove season. The natural gas is flowing, the pilot lights are lighting, the ranges are warming, soon to be blazing. Teams are cranking the lever to “High” and ripping the knob off. Teams are igniting the flame and letting it run rampant throughout the kitchen. The hotter the stove, the better, so whose stove is the hottest stove? Let us examine a selection of choice team appliances and decide for ourselves.

The Atlanta Braves

Simmering for some time, the Braves recently got boiling, locking up free agent outfielder B.J. Upton to a five-year, $75 million deal. They’ve also been talking to Chad Durbin, and are rumored to have discussed trade possibilities with the Twins for Denard Span. The Braves get points for a wide range (ha!) of heat dispersion, as well as the largest, most recent, flame ignition.

Hot Stove Rating: Three steaming kettles and a pan of popping bacon fat.

The Boston Red Sox

They re-signed David Ortiz to a two-year deal. They locked down Jonny Gomes. They’re in on Cody Ross, Russell Martin, Mike Napoli and whoever else. Potential trades and extensions are written about daily, as is custom in Boston. While they might not cooking lobster just set, the Red Sox are setting the table, they have money to spend, and they’re going to end up with a piping hot meal sooner or later, ingredients TBD. But it will probably be chowder, I mean, c’mon.

Hot Stove Rating: Grease fire.

The Milwaukee Brewers

There are some Josh Hamilton bits currently marinating next to the stove-top, but no word yet on whether they’ll reach the heat. Prognosis: unlikely. The Brew did sign Blake Lalli to a minor league contract, so there’s that.

Hot Stove Rating: Was going to use beer for battering and stock flavoring, but drank and spilled it all over the counter instead.

The Seattle Mariners

If we’re to believe the rumors, the Mariners might have too many cooks in the kitchen. They are seemingly interested in every single available free agent ever of all time anywhere. Ownership has mentioned publicly that payroll is likely to increase, so there may be some bones in that filet, but it’s also likely that the M’s are being used by some players/agents as leverage to up offers from other clubs. The stew thickens.

Hot Stove Rating: All four burners burning while the protein thaws slowly in the sink.

The Kansas City Royals

The Royals are cooking with gas, indeed, but I wouldn’t recommend tasting the final product. The flavors look to be thin and lacking depth, the profiles scattered and inharmonious. Some dishes will be over-seasoned, others, under. They traded for an overpriced Ervin Santana and then signed Jeremy Guthrie to a not terrible but extremely underwhelming deal. Jeff Francoeur, master pizza and fry chef, is still on the team. Wil Myers rumors abound. I just don’t know where they’re going with this meal, and I don’t think they do either. Kansas City Royals, please pack your knives and go.

Hot Stove Rating: Smoke detector has been going off for an hour but the kitchen is empty.

Kyle writes baseball nonsense at The Trance of Waiting. You can follow him on Twitter @AgainstKyle.

Tags: Atlanta Braves B.J. Upton Hot Stove Season