The Super Bowl is now well in the past, basketball is still a thing that exists for a bit longer, and the weather is about to get warmer. All of this (and the date on the calendar) serves as adequate proof that spring training is right around the corner, and with it comes another baseball season that I’m somehow anticipating even more than every one that has come before it. It seems like as good a time as any to (correctly) predict a few things that are simply bound to happen in spring training this year. Seriously, this is all going down.
Kyle Lohse Never Signs Anywhere, Starts His Own Team
We’re less than two weeks away from the beginning of March and starting pitcher Kyle Lohse somehow still remains a free agent. There hasn’t really even been a serious bite on Lohse’s services, or if there has been we haven’t been made aware of it. The only other logical path is for Lohse to branch out on his own and start his very own Major League Baseball club. Aware of Montana’s untapped baseball reservoir, the best free agent still left on the market will found the sure-to-be competitive Helena Hyenas. The Hyenas will occupy the NL Extra-West, a division they will surely win despite having one player because, well, they’ll be the only team in the division.
Everyone on ESPN’s “Baseball Tonight” Picks the Orioles to Win the AL East
Because you simply can’t ever go wrong riding the hot wave of luck and using the what-have-you-done-for-me-lately rationale of prognostication, every single on-air personality from ESPN’s “Baseball Tonight” is totally going to pick the Orioles to win the AL East. Don’t bother looking at Baltimore’s roster or noticing that there are a couple of teams with significantly better chances going forward; this is all about “gut feelings,” “cloud readings,” and “cases of the smilies.” “Baseball Tonight” is taking the O’s to win it all, and you can’t stop them!
Giancarlo Stanton is Finally Told This Has All Been a Reality TV Show
Months after his Marlins seemed to have given up on being a professional baseball team in favor of scrapping everything at starting over at square one again, remaining Miami star Giancarlo Stanton is at last going to find out that none of this has been real. After all, how could it be? A couple weeks into spring training, right around the time Stanton realizes the Marlins are actually trying out a third baseman that looks suspiciously like his area grocery store’s elderly door greeter, reporters will break the news that HBO’s upcoming reality show “How Much Can You Take Without Needing Clinical Help?” has been behind every action the Marlins have taken over the past year. Surprise!
Ryan Braun Caves and Tells the Whole Truth
We’ve been wrong about Ryan Braun for a long, long time. Never one suspected as a performance enhancing drug user, a positive test sent Braun’s career into a whirlwind that hasn’t ever really calmed down. Braun is now linked to one in a seemingly-endless line of PED-pedaling clinics, and now he’s finally going to tell us all the truth. Technically he never lied to anyone, as he never used PEDs in the first place. Braun’s well-hidden secret has all along been his status as a half-human, half-cyborg baseball hitting device created by Bud Selig over two decades ago in an attempt to keep his beloved Brewers relevant. It’s going to be tough to believe, but just remember how bad his third base defense was. The bugs hadn’t all been worked out yet. Robots!
Former Major Leaguer Derek Bell Reiterates Just How Successful “Operation Shutdown” Has Truly Been
After blanching at the news that the Pittsburgh Pirates may not start him in 2002, outfielder Derek Bell quickly announced that he was retaliating with “Operation Shutdown,” a plan that Bell has successfully deployed for over a decade now. Just in case the general public forgot about Bell, who is now 44, he’ll be sure to give us a press release in a few weeks just to make sure we realize how flawless “Operation Shutdown” has truly been. For those interested, Bell and some colleagues will be attending a special 11th anniversary gala to commemorate “Operation Shutdown” a week before opening day. Raffle winners will be allowed to touch his goatee and reminisce about that awesome year Bell had in 1998.