Robinson Cano Sports An Eff-the-Yankees Beard

Robinson Cano has busted away from New York and busted out the facial hair. He now has the eff-you-Yankees beard to go with the eff-you money he got by signing with the Mariners.

The Yankees of course have long had a policy against allowing players to grow facial fur or long greasy hippie hair. Little known fact: this policy actually began in 1904 as a way of preventing players from sneaking opium into the dugout.

It makes sense that you wouldn’t want your players growing extravagantly thick layers of hair on their faces for the express purpose of transporting contraband, but the Yankees have always taken the policy too far IMHO. Why can’t a grown man making millions of dollars who could get drafted and sent to war if there was ever a draft rock a tight well-groomed non-Napoli beard if he wants?

It’s just the Yankees being all Yankees. You want to sign here? Great. Then you have to follow our stupid out-dated rules. No beards or mustaches. No long Tim Lincecum stoner hair. No fried chicken, beer or Lady Gaga personal appearances in the clubhouse. No hanging fanciful pictures of yourself as a mythological half-horse/half-man all over the place.

Okay I agree with the last one. But the others seem downright Communistic.

Some may see Robinson Cano’s beard as a mere style statement but I see it as an act of protest. Free at last, free at last, Robinson Cano’s face is free at last. No more shall his beard be oppressed by the jackbooted thugs in New York. He’s in Seattle now. They smoke pot there.

Cano got as far from the Yankees as he could geographically without moving to Japan. Now he’s symbolically distanced himself from their soul-crushing Orwellian policies against displays of individuality by not shaving. Robinson Cano escaped from the machine. Welcome back, you glorious bearded man.

Double rainbows all around.

Like Call to the Pen on Facebook.
Follow Call to the Pen on Twitter.
Subsribe to the Fansided Daily Newsletter. Sports news all up in your inbox.