Cubs Introduce Their New Mascot “Clark”

photo credit: Cubs

So your franchise is languishing in utter futility, completely irrelevant and with no hope of becoming contenders in the near future. How do you reverse your fortunes and finally reward the loyalty and faith of your fanbase with some victories?

Don’t ask the Cubs that question, cause they have no idea. Their plan apparently is to distract people from how much they stink by introducing new, ridiculous marketing ploys. Hence, Clark the kid-friendly mascot.

Yup, the Cubs now have a mascot. Here is how the team introduced him.

The Cubs are thrilled to welcome Clark as the team’s official mascot. Clark is a young, friendly Cub who can’t wait to interact with our other young Cubs fans. He’ll be a welcoming presence for families at Wrigley Field and an excellent ambassador for the team in the community.

Why does there need to be a welcoming presence for families at Wrigley Field. Is Wrigley Field a scary place for families?

Okay you’re right. I’m being way too cynical. This whole thing is harmless.

I’m sure kids will love Clark. He’s cute. He’s cuddly. He’s not terrifying like their mascot from the old days.

I’m sure Clark will be a wonderful addition to games at Wrigley Field this year. I’m sure he won’t, for instance, get a bunch of beer dumped on him. He won’t get dragged out to the parking lot after a 12-run loss and have the crap beaten out of him.

You know what? This could be the start of something really big for the Cubs. How about, instead of one bear, a whole bunch of bears. Clark. Addison. Sheffield. Waveland.

Sure. Four bears. And you know what they could do? In the seventh inning, you could have them race each other around the ball park! And one of them could lose every race for like five years. And then finally you could let him win a race and everyone would be happy!

And no one would notice that you stink! Except for fans who actually care about the games. They’d notice. But who cares about them?

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