By now you’ve already heard the news: Derek Jeter will retire after the 2014 season, ending his run as the most media-friendly, class-actiest athlete in baseball history (or sort of the anti-Steve Carlton).
Many people will be sad to see Derek Jeter go, especially everyone who has ever rooted for the New York Yankees. And then there are all the fans of the other teams who will either send Jeter off with a nice tip of the hat for being a great ballplayer and a true pro, or will want to show up at the stadium to boo him mercilessly one last time.
Why boo Derek Jeter? Because he’s good and he wins a lot. And he gets way more women than you, fat loser with mustard stains all down the front of your shirt. Why do supermodels want to have sex with Derek Jeter and not you? I just can’t figure it out.
As a service to all these idiot fans who think booing their betters is a lot of fun, here’s a calendar of your last chances to see the Hall of Famer Derek Jeter in action. Don’t forget to bring your D batteries, losers.
April 3, at Houston Astros. Why are the Yankees starting the season with a road trip to Houston? Oh that’s right, Houston is in the American League now. Jeter hasn’t played the Astros much in his career so Houston fans should have plenty of pent-up hostility to vent against him. Plus their team sucks miserably.
May 7, at Los Angeles Angels. Pretend he’s Albert Pujols and boo the crap out of him. Oh you know you want to. So bad.
May 11, at Milwaukee Brewers. All those boos you should be using on that cheater Ryan Braun but won’t because he’s “your guy,” use them on Jeter instead. Because the guys who do it clean deserve to be destroyed while the guys who cheat their butts off deserve to be embraced. Hey, no one ever said Brewers fans were smart.
May 15, at New York Mets. Nah, New York fans won’t boo Derek Jeter. Even Mets fans. They’ll cheer their heads off, cause they have no self-respect.
May 21, at Chicago Cubs. Boo him Cubs fans. Boo him for 1908. Boo him for the called shot. Boo him for Bartman even though that makes no sense. Boo him like you booed Jacque Jones and Brian McRae. And then get stinking drunk and pass out like you were going to anyway.
May 25, at Chicago White Sox. I mean if you can even bring yourselves to show up at that crappy park of yours to watch that garbage team. Just get really drunk, boo Jeter the first time he comes up to bat and leave. Hawk Harrelson will get mad at you and sit there in the booth saying nothing for three minutes just to show how mad he is, but don’t let that deter you, he’s an old crank anyway.
May 28, at St. Louis Cardinals. Oh no way. No way Cardinals fans boo Derek Jeter. They’re too classy and knowledgeable. Polite applause, polite applause. Oh we are sooooo full of ourselves in St. Louis.
June 9, at Kansas City Royals. The Yankees pretty much embody everything that your team is not, Royals fans. How does that make you feel? Angry? Like booing a Hall of Famer during his last visit to your town?
June 12, at Seattle Mariners. If you have any voice left from booing the pitchers who intentionally walk Robinson Cano, use it to boo Derek Jeter, just cause he was on the Yankees team that crushed you in the ALCS the year you won 116 games. I know baseball season is just to give you a break until the Seahawks start playing again.
June 15, at Oakland Athletics. If Jeter is the most overrated player of all-time, that certainly makes him the most wildly overpaid player of all-time. So basically Jeter represents everything that is the opposite of Moneyball. So there’s your reason to go boo Jeter, not that you need a reason. I mean you’re Oakland fans. Also, The Flip. Oh The Flip. Don’t forget The Flip.
July 6, at Minnesota Twins. Joe Mauer should be Derek Jeter but he lacks Jeter’s winner gene. Twins fans, go boo Derek Jeter because he’s better than Joe Mauer despite having maybe two-thirds the talent. Also, did you notice Jeter looks a little tiny bit like Christian Ponder?
July 10, at Cleveland Indians. You live in Cleveland. Your team hasn’t done anything since Kenny Lofton and that gang were there. You pretty much have an obligation to show up and boo Derek Jeter until he cries.
July 30, at Texas Rangers. Hey Rangers fans, you know what New York is full of besides Yankee fans? That’s right, liberals. Jeter has never spoken about politics that I know of but he’s probably a big time Keith Olbermann left-winger, so you’re going to want to boo the living hell out of him, Texas style. And then go shoot something afterward.
August 28, at Detroit Tigers. Justin Verlander and Derek Jeter, two biggest studs in major league baseball, facing off one last time. Possibly on this night, I don’t know how the rotations will work out. Anyway, Tigers fans will want to show up in force to boo the crap out of Jeter, who is incredibly rich and handsome, while they are poor, unemployed and rotted-jack-o-lantern-ugly.
August 31, at Toronto Blue Jays. Just think Blue Jays fans, you won’t have Derek Jeter in your division anymore. Once he leaves the Yankees will stink and you’ll have a chance to sneak in the odd second-place finish behind Boston. Maybe some day you’ll even grab a Wild Card. Show up on August 31 and boo Jeter lustily. You won’t have any good reason to cheer; you will be 30 games out of first by then.
September 14, at Baltimore Orioles. Cal Ripken will be there to send Jeter off in style. Ripken and his giant bizarre head that gives little children nightmares. Get liquored up Orioles fans, and boo the crap out of Jeter. Your team will be way out of it by then, so might as well.
September 17, at Tampa Bay Rays. Fill that horrible stadium of yours with the sound of booing, Rays fans. I want to hear your boos reverberating off the inside of that warehouse, echoing and bouncing until it creates a seismic tremor that brings that whole dump down around your ears.
September 28, at Boston Red Sox. Yup. Derek Jeter’s last regular season game will be at Fenway Park. If there’s a God in heaven, the Yankees and Red Sox will be tied for first when this day comes. Oh, you know it will happen. And Jeter will pop one over the Monstah in the 9th inning to win it. And after the game he steals Gisele away from Tom Brady and they ride off into the sunset on a unicorn.
These dates are of course all contingent on Jeter not getting hurt. He probably will get hurt though, so call this whole thing very tentative.