Five Stupid MLB Things That Have Happened and It’s Only May

Nobody’s perfect, except Dallas Braden, and even he’s a dumbass.  When you take a break from watching the third round of Sportscenters and think about how much money pro ball players are making, and how flawless they need to be to get where they are, it almost raises them up to another level.  Thousands of people monitor their every move, offering congratulations, criticism, or meandering stories with no point, just because they do what they do.  They’re job is to be awesome.  And a lot of them aren’t.

There are times when a player reminds us that he is human with a humiliating, face-first crash back down to earth.  Here are my favorites from this season so far.

NYJER MORGAN: IMAGINE IF IT HAD ACTUALLY BEEN A HOME RUN

A few days ago, the Nationals and Orioles met in an epic clash for the ages, and just to see if anyone would indeed come to the game, sit down, and watch it be played.  Anyone who braved the anonymity of Nat’s-O’s baseball got a real show from Nyjer Morgan.

Orioles outfielder Adam Jones slapped a fly ball over Morgan’s head, sending it ever-so-close to the wall.  At the last second, Morgan leapt, and–

What gets me here is that there is absolutely no time that passes between the ball bouncing off of his glove and his reaction to what he thinks is a four-bagger.  The whole time he was tracking that fly, was he just saying in his head, “Remember, if you miss it, do the glove thing.  We’ve rehearsed this”?

Also, does he think his hat went over the fence, too?  In all the excitement of getting to finally perform the tantrum he’s been apparently practicing for weeks?  Every day in the locker room, Jim Riggleman would walk by Morgan slowly mimicking the act of slamming his glove into the ground, then looking deep into the eyes of his own reflection in the mirror and whispering… “Some day…”

And Riggleman would shake his head and turn a little more leathery.

Now, as Adam Jones scrambled home probably wondering what in the fuck was going on out there, the Nationals manager realized it all made sense.

Sort of.

THE HANLEY MAN CAN’T

I tried to play football in high school.  They didn’t have cuts, so I knew I would make the team, and my dad was the athletic director, so I knew I would make the team.  The idea was that I was abandoning my bespectacled band-geek persona in favor of being an iron-willed, tough-as-nails human protein shake with the respect of his teammates and a huge fan base.

I wound up costing us maybe four or five games that year, as I spent my only time on the field with the extra point team getting trampled to death.  During one practice, us linemen, or should I say; me, the actual football players, and the only kid worse than me wearing the specially-made helmet with the inhaler attached inside, were moving from one part of the practice field to another, as is the custom in football.  Well, one particular googly eyed assistant coach saw a chance to get all “coachy” on us, and screamed that we come back, “And this time, RUN!”

And we all learned a valuable life lesson about jogging or togetherness or whatever the fuck he thought he was getting accomplished.

But I’ve got to say that “high school football practice in a quiet pocket of the suburbs” is a hair or two away from “the middle of a Major League Baseball game,” even if it is the Marlins.

As you probably know, Florida Marlins baseball finally got itself into the national spotlight recently when Hanley Ramirez committed like ten errors on one play, then chased after the ball he had sent across the field with all the vigor and enthusiasm of a kitten asleep by a fire.  This, in turn, got him pulled by Fredi Gonzalez, and then he said some mean stuff about Fredi to the press, and then I forget what else happened, but who cares.  It ended in a public apology and some surprisingly civil debates on Marlin Maniac.

If you’re going to be fast like a freak on every other play, obviously people are going to notice when you’re less than half-assing it.  But what do you want?  Hanley Ramirez couldn’t even kill Regis Philbin.

CHAN HO PARK STARTS A SHIT STORM

This one’s more of an error in judgement.

In 2009, Chan Ho Park was a 36-year-old mid to late game reliever for the Phillies.  He pitched them out of some tough spots and was a part of the war machine that rolled right over the Rockies and Dodgers into the World Series.

Then, after the season ended, Park’s future with the team was under debate, and, well, he wanted more.  He wanted to be a starter.  Yes, this far from perfect, close to 40 reliever thought he had bought himself a spot on the rotation, when he very clearly had not.  The Phillies disagreed that it would be a good fit for him; plus, the “old man spot” was already filled with gusto by the unkillable 47-year-old Jamie Moyer.

And Park was gone, snatched by the New York Yankees, where he proceeded to fuck up a bit.  When that ravenous New York press burst into the locker room all “WTF?!” he did exactly what baseball players never do. He told them the very specific, very stomach churning truth:

Yep.  Park told everybody… everybody… about his recent bout on the Yankees locker room toilet.  This is why they invented the phrase “flulike symptoms.”

YUNIESKY BETANCOURT GET THE ROYALS TREATMENT

What will be enough, Royals?  You snare Zack Greinke, this bat-snapping, right-handed miracle, and somehow manage to slap a losing record on him.  HOW MANY LIVES MUST YOU RUIN?!*

Well, they say it starts at home, so if the Royals “family” feels as though they’ve resolved the issue at hand with Yuniesky Betancourt’s dropped pop-up that cost them the lead against Texas, they might be closing the case a little early.

Betancourt went after the ball with a one-handed grab, Cliff Lee-style.  But he sure as fuck didn’t catch it, Yuniesky Betancourt-style.  Trey Hillman, at that point still employed, did what must have been a pretty standard reaction at press conferences and shrugged.

Like the hideous kid on school picture day, Hillman was forced to tell us “It’s okay, he’s not making a face, that’s just… that’s just how he looks.”

"He’s been doing it like that for his whole life.  If you can’t get comfortable with (the correct technique), then understand the next part of the equation is if you drop it, it’s going to make us look bad, and it’s going to affect our club, and we’ve got to have some recourse and take some action."

So, as the team’s coach, you’d think he’d pull Betancourt aside, and you know, coach him about the fundamentals of getting a pop-up to land in your glove.  But its the Royals, and I can’t imagine they’re rolling in the dough right now, so they merely asked for Betancourt to them some of his.  And that’s, like, they’re plan.  In general.  He’s allowed to keep doing it, as long as he pays fines every time he misses.

Well, if you can’t fix a problem–or don’t even try to–then just throw money at it.  Unless you’re the Royals.  Then you take money away from it.

*Several thousand

I THOUGHT WE WERE ALL ON THE SAME TEAM, EUGENIO VELEZ

I don’t like to brag, mainly because the list of things for which I could do it is so very, very short.  For instance, did I tell you how pivotal I was in the outcome of five of my high school football team’s games?

But I did, however, win a spelling bee, so I’ve always been able to slap that on my resume with a burst of pride.  You’d be amazed how many potential employers love seeing “8th Grade Spelling Bee Champion” at the top of your work experience.  Very few.  If any.

Point is, maybe it says more about me that I noticed this particular gaffe somewhat instantly.  Giants bench player Eugenio Velez came double-switching into a game against the Astros and contributed to the messy crime scene of a season Houston is in the middle of by scoring a run in the Giants 10-4 victory.  Though it may have been questionable as to the validity of his run scored, because apparently, Velez plays for another team.

But you know what they say about San Francicso.  Even a spelling error can’t stop a man from dancing.

It’s a weird place.