The ancient ancestors of Incan people were an incestuous bunch. There were only three brothers and three sisters, so chances are, in the name of preservation, there were some pretty god awful things going down from cave to cave.
But, a gross misunderstanding of familial bonding aside, they were also a conceited bunch for some reason. Especially proud of himself was Ayar Cachi, the strongest of the brothers, who would chuck stones toward the horizon in an attempt to mold the landscape to his liking (this was obviously before there were constructive things for human beings to do, like fall asleep watching Sports Center at 3pm or dancing around like a jackass). This was Ayar’s idea of a feat of strength, proving that he had the rippling biceps and chances are PEDs, to send the rocks further and faster away than anyone else (of the five other people he knew).
Anyway, his brother tricked him into chasing a “sacred llama” into a cave and then shut it behind him. Whether or not there was a even a llama in the first place is debatable.
Today, in the City of Angels (in the stadium of the Angels), there will be eight men swinging for the fences, performing their own little feats of strength, looking over their shoulders to make sure nobody tries to trap them inside a mountain.
So before you complain about the 2010 Home Run Derby, try to consider what history’s strongest men have gone through just to show off what they were built to do.
"“It’s the purest part of the sport, just watching someone go out and hit the ball as hard and far as he can,” Steve Brierley, baseball fan"
Well Steve, its actually become the bane of baseball in recent years. Remember how in 1994, MLB spat in the face of children everywhere be cancelling the rest of the season? And then when the league started up again, people weren’t sure if they were ready to get so heavily invested in the sport for hurting them so much? And then Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa took it upon themselves to block off their own little section of baseball history by chasing the single season home run record? It lassoed all those neigh-sayers back into the game who were still trying to convince themselves that playing rummy alone in the dark was just as good as getting to the ballpark.
Turns out everybody was juicing so hard, if they hadn’t set a new record in home-running, theirs heads would have exploded like melons off the back of a truck.
Since then, there have been enough revelations of steroid usage amongst baseball’s top hitters that it is now brought into question every time a new slugger emerges. They’re not all guilty of course, but the game has been forever changed thanks to the actions of some spectacular assholes.
My point is, “purest” is probably the wrong term.
My other less wildly negative point is that 2010 has presented us with a menu of Derby participants who aren’t exactly the jacked up bat-beasts crawling up out of hell to terrify audiences with their long ball.
The original “home run derby” in 1959 featured such names as Aaron, Mays, and Mantle; mythic legends in their own right, on par with any self-absorbed Incan ancestor. These guys are unquestionably legends of the game, capable of doing pretty much whatever they wanted on a baseball field, including a gasp-inducing number of career dingers (755, 660, and 536, respectively).
This year, we see names like Hanley Ramirez, Matt Holliday, and Corey Hart on the list and think, “They’re great, but aren’t there some better suited, bigger-armed batters out there?”
Yeah, there are. Of the eight competitors, five are in their first Home Run Derby, namely because other people didn’t want to be, and the leader in the HR column for all of baseball–Jose Bautista–wasn’t even invited.
So… what are we doing?
Well, basically, the Year of the Pitcher seems to be bleeding into one of our [only] midseason customs. The guys who have competed are bored with it, and in general, everybody’s too busy being erased by out of the blue, mind-shattering pitchers to establish a staunch offensive record.
The Home Run Derby, however, is not a contest that benefits from new blood, or at least, the wrong blood. Nobody can take away the fact that these guys are talented–that part’s pretty clear. But not all of them are really home run hitters, and that is what people want to see. If this turns into a Home Run Derby thirsting for home runs, it just going to be one sleepy afternoon in Anaheim that happens to be broadcast on ESPN.
A lot of people, players included, don’t really even pay attention to begin with. Take away the league’s best sluggers and… well, we’ll see what we get. But these contests don’t generate enough excitement to have an off year.
Remember this year’s NBA dunk contest? I remember Chris Tucker was there. And he looked about as bored as I was.
It’s true that fans dig the long ball, but what has more appeal: A dramatic walkoff victory with one swing of the bat, or eight guys lining up to abuse a barrel of baseballs in front of a mostly empty stadium? Even Ayar Cachi had an audience, but to be fair, he was having sex with more than half of them.
I will probably not be tuning in this year, and no, not just because there aren’t any Phillies participating. Well, sort of. But the truth is, my interest in the spectacle died off a while ago, and maybe its time to add something to the contest to make it a little more fiery, or do away with it completely. If the hard core home run hitters don’t want to take part, why fill their spots with guys who won’t be nearly as dominant?
As those clusters of manic children run back and forth across the outfield grass, trying to field every ball that goes over the fence, and the players mug for the camera or talk to their kids between at bats, think about how much crazier the derby would be if, say, a llama was running around in the outfield. Or like, 10 llamas. Maybe a bear. That’s something I’d tune in for.
Or, if you want some realistic suggestions, see here. Either way, I’ll probably be playing Modern Warfare 2 at 8pm tonight.
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