Jeff Francoeur’s got a lot on his mind. Whether he’s complaining, being terrible, complaining, being traded, or being terrible and traded simultaneously, while complaining, Jeff likes to make sure what he thinks about on any particular topic is heard.
“Hey,” you’re probably saying, “why would anyone care what a horrifically subpar bench player thinks about stuff?”
What an excellent question, and the answer is: “…?!?”
For years now, I have engaged Jeff in somewhat of an antagonistic relationship, as I find his smarmy, self-pleasuring douchiness to be rightfully offputting, and he has no idea that I exist. The one-sided feud has become quite infamous (some would say “inconsequential”), so I was shocked to learn that the guy has an entire personal blog of which I was completely in the dark. The following are the thoughts I compiled while delving deep, deep into the mind of one of baseball’s loudest nobodies.
As always, no thanks is required for my extensive research (some would say “stalking”).
Mainly, what we learn is that Jeff Francoeur is under the impression that if you are reading his blog, you are a five-year-old, and also, an idiot.
If you were to take the soulless corporate shilling out of this blog and there wouldn’t be a whole lot left. It is nothing but cheesy verbiage usually reserved for a junior lecture on fire safety, separated by jerk off sessions of his favorite airline.
"“Happy Birthday Delta! 80 years. Wow, you guys are getting up there!I just wanted to wish you a very happy 80th birthday and thank you for not only everything that you’ve done for me and my family, but also for what you guys continue to do for all of your customers.It’s crazy to think how far everything has come…I mean, now we have mobile boarding passes, Wi-Fi on the plane, online booking, TV screens on the back of headrests, movies, music…I could go on and on. One of the first things I do when I sit down is to flip to the back of the in-flight magazine to see what movie will be playing on my flight! Delta never ceases to amaze me and you guys continue to make flying more and more enjoyable. And considering how much flying I do over the course of a year, I love all of the little extras that Delta provide.”"
Movies on an airplane! Well, I’m sure I speak for us all when I say that’s fucking insanity.
I Ctrl+F’d the whole page, and unless Jeff goes on a passionate tirade about “Designing Women,” or the Mississippi River, he uses the word “Delta” 56 times. I’m recognizing that he’s clearly a rented out his mouth for Delta to climb out of whenever it pleases, but that is a ton of times.
Jeff will periodically end an entry with a question. Most times, this means that readers will fill the comments section with content little replies, believing this to be a genuine connection. However, Jeff does not even offer a comment section, he merely asks a question, and believes that you will respond out loud to your computer screen (this is preventable with the right combination of meds) or you are assembled around your computer to read his bi-monthly post and the inquiry he poses to you ignites a fascinating discussion between you and your relatives.
But if Jeff were not even the guy updating this site, I’d believe it. The life of a baseball player, skilled or not (he’s not), is full of travel, charity events, workouts, and training. There’s no way somebody would have the time to write 500 words twice a month. Which is probably why Jeff’s blog sounds like it was written by some extended relative of his whose known as the cousin that’s “…a real whiz with computers.”
I was once labeled this family member. It seems as though spending a lot of time playing computer games convinces your parents that you are also capable of solving extremely serious computer issues; other wise those countless hours you logged with Icewind Dale II were a complete waste of time so just get over to your great aunt’s house because she keeps getting error messages while trying to publish her newsletter about gladiolas.
"“And you guys thought I was just a baseball player and blogger…”"
I’m at the point where both of those things are feel like a stretch.
"“To start the off-season, I plan on getting on Delta and going to Costa Rica this month with my wife Catie. I’m also planning a vacation with Catie and her family to Colorado, which I’m very much looking forward to. Of course, I plan to make some frequent trips to my family’s condo in Florida for some golf and relaxation, and on November 3rd Catie and I are going to be celebrating our first wedding anniversary. We may, just may, have time for a trip to New Zealand as well, and we’re in the process of checking into that as I write this.”"
OMFG WE GET IT YOU’RE A WHORE.
You know who conducts their business with a bit more subtlety and tact? Actual prostitutes.
Hardly an entry goes by where Jeff doesn’t try to sell you something, or explain a really basic part of baseball to you. It is quite honestly the more shameless plastic shell of a medium, offering zero new information if you already have a beginner’s level of baseball knowledge. If you know enough to beat the computer in “Bases Loaded,” you can jump into Jeff Francoeur’s blog just about anywhere and know exactly what is going on. Like, for instance, when he is traded to a different team.
"“And rest assured, I’m in safe hands with the Mets… like the Braves, they are also a Delta team!”"
Oh, thank goodness! As a baseball fan, my first reaction to this news was “Well, I’m sure he was traded because the Braves felt that–fuck me, what the hell airline do the Mets use?! Somebody check the [place in which one would find that information]!!”
Seriously, if we could just get past Delta here–
"“When we have been at home in Orlando and not out on the road, Catie and I have had a lot of family in town to visit. They’ve literally taken Delta flights in from all over the country to come see us.”"
And what if one didn’t, Jeff? What if one of your relatives crept through an American Airlines gate and boarded a plane headed for you? What would happen then?
Would you know immediately; the stench of air travel not sanctioned by the official airline of the New York Mets invading your home–your home, Jeff!–the relaxed sensation of the Delta SkyClub lounge unavailable for the entirety of the flight; the absence of that sweet, sweet wi-fi connection your kids tell you is pretty important.
A lot of pro baseball players have their own personal websites. It is tough to design a site based around oneself and keep it from sounding self-aggrandizing; after all, that’s pretty much what it’s there for: To make you look great (even if you are not). Jimmy Rollins’ site opens with a song on autoplay called “MVP,” which is perfect, because who doesn’t have Jimmy Rollins pretty high in their MVP balloting this year?
That said, though a lot of players have sites, not all players have blogs. Not all players feel the need to share all of their opinions, all of the time–though we did learn tonight that Jeff Francoeur’s blog does nothing like that at all. Even worse, it’s just a commercial in text form that nobody gives a shit about; least of all when it is coming out of the brain of a lukewarm bench player for the Texas Rangers.
Thanks to the Internet, we now have two different breeds of Jeff Francoeur, and they are both terrible. One is willing to rent out at his scruples like a billboard in a shitty neighborhood you pass on the highway, the other complains nonstop like a child throwing a tantrum in the check out line at Home Depot. What an age we live in.