Ted Lerner is America: An Interview with No One


Hi, folks!  I was really neck-deep in horse shit all day today, so those of you patiently awaiting my post, as you do every Tuesday, were left wanting.

“Where is it?!” you cried, becoming more and more desperate for this week’s impenetrable crap.  “I need that sweet injection of honey-flavored baditude or my week will feel so unfulfilled!”

Well, tough news, kiddo.  This week, I bring you something of actual merit: An interview with a person of intelligence.

(EDITOR’S NOTE:  Because Justin waited until deadline to even reach out to any Nationals bloggers, he received zero responses to his interview requests.  Therefore, he was found several hours later at his desk in the Call to the Pen offices, slumped over at his keyboard, having supplied both the questions and answers to this interview.  We published it because its actually better than most of the “sexual opuses” he submits for publishing normally).

Ted Lerner is a WWII veteran, self-made billionaire, and owner of a baseball team housed in the United States capitol called the “Nationals” who seem to be embarking on a league-wide outreach for talent to the tune of Manifest Destiny.  Could Lerner be anymore American than he is at this moment?

I fail to see how, frankly.  Unless he got laid off.  He also went to George Washington University and he’s a minority partner with Lincoln Holdings, and his name is full name is Theodore.  So he’s kind of the human embodiment of 3/4 of Mount Rushmore.  I’d have to check and see if he’s got some sort of connection to Thomas Jefferson.

*Runs away*

*Returns six hours later, heavily intoxicated*

No, he doesn’t.

This once dormant and now furiously active Nationals franchise scares the living shit out of me, quite frankly.  Is all of this high profile action part of a sinister master plan?  I spent my entire day at work outlining some theories, if you’d like to take a look at them.

I have no interest in your conspiracies, Klugh.  In fact, your very presence disgusts me.  As to your question, the word”dormant” makes me think of a sleeping bear, gently snoozing as the ferocious winter rampages just outside his cave.  He bides his time, finally opening his eyes as the seasonal war subsides and he awakens to a fresh dawn; rested, content, and prepared to disembowel the forest in front of him.

But I can’t speak for everyone in the Nationals organization.  I would say that we are all “excited.”

What do you guys expect from Jayson Werth?  A beard?  If so, congratulations.

Your congratulations is both unwarranted and unaccepted.  Jayson Werth is a prize fighter, and we intend to have him aid us as an antidote to the disease of losing.  Is Josh Willingham now a bit of a surplus?  Maybe.  We’re keeping all the high octane offense we can, and if nobody offers us the moon for Willingham, we’ll hold onto him.  But we cashed out with Dunn, so having a powerful bat like Jayson’s in the lineup is a key piece of our forthcoming attack.

Secondly, that beard, it doesn’t exist.  Mike Rizzo said the team has a strict grooming policy regarding facial hair, but Werth isn’t even sporting one right now.  All those rumors you published last Spring Training about him looking like/possibly being a hatchet murderer?  Clearly untrue.  Why you would let that hit the internet is beyond me.

What is the likelihood that the Nationals land Cliff Lee?  More than a 1,000?  I have no idea what kind of “likelihood scale” I’m talking about.

I would say 200, though given the incoherent nature of this entire line of questioning, what that means is indecipherable.  We want him, and we have proven we can get what we want.  We got purse strings to flex–not that any of us have purses.  Don’t write that down, actually.  Write “messenger bags.”

A lot of people might laugh us off because we’re up there with the Yankees and Rangers and now the Angels, I guess, trying to be heard amidst a sea of contenders and the Angels.  I think its just because nobody’s seen us get our shit together like this during the off season before.  Its always been “Ha ha, yeah, the Nationals.”

*Slams fist on table, spilling pitcher of water*

I’m here to tell you we are capable of ridiculous things.

How often do you confuse Mike Rizzo the Nationals GM with Mike Rizzo, the #1 artist on MTV’s 2007 LOGO Click List?  Daily?  Or more?  Be really, really honest.

That’s a stupid question.

*12 minute pause*

Three or four times a day.

What would you say to the GM of the New York Mets after he made fun of the Nationals for locking up Jayson Werth for so much and so long?  Before answering, keep in mind that the New York Mets have done nothing successfully in recent years except feverishly implode many times.

Look, there are just certain things you don’t joke about.  An amount of time must pass before something can be included in part of a joke, and the screaming abomination that is the Mets front office is just not in the position to be throwing wisecracks out the window regarding things like that.  Also, aren’t they being sued right now?

Just kidding, I know they are.