Thanks to the University of Minnesota, we are now well aware of how drunk we get at baseball games: very. But when you’re six $9 beers deep like normal, everything on that food menu starts looking better and better, regardless of whether or not you’ll be emptying your checking account to pay for it.
That’s where these items come in.
Some ballparks are kind enough to offer concessions so mountainous, so deep fried, so violently rejectable by the human body, we’ve listed them in all capital letters. If it leaks grease, if it drips cheese; it was at one time, a living, breathing entity with its whole life ahead of it, these stadiums have carved it up and overpriced it on a menu.
THE FIFTH THIRD BURGER
Courtesy of: West Michigan Whitecaps
“…this burger has grilled ground beef, topped with — this is not a drill, folks — nacho cheese, chili, salsa, Fritos, tomato and lettuce served on a 8-inch sesame seed bun.” –Super Sized Meals
There’s a line you can cross where things go from “novelty food item” to “conspiracy to commit murder.” However, cramming a few days’ worth of meals into a single chunk of fatted calf takes you into a new stratosphere of colon-clogging. “Sports Biz,” if that’s a name that rings a bell for some reason, voted this thing the 2009 Minor League concession of the year, just edging out a menu item in Maine that involves patrons tracking and killing their own 12-point buck [EDITOR’S NOTE: This does not exist].
You’ve probably heard of this by now, having been the perfect fodder for The Today Show and other like-minded bullshit television in the past, where it’s infamy was built and spilled upon the internet. But it’s not that I’m complaining that this exists. If anything, I’m grateful that the Fifth Third Burger is out there amongst the Red Flannel Festivals of West Michigan. The reality of a burger the size of your head and soaked in nacho cheese just proves my theory that “health” and “nutrition facts” may be actual things out here in the real world, but once you walk into a Minor League Baseball stadium, they are zapped entirely out of this dimension. You are living in a carnival of unreal caloric magnitude for nine amateur innings, so buckle up and shove a Frito-stuffed hamburger in your talk-hole.
3 DOG NIGHT
Courtesy of: Akron Aeros
“…a 3,300 calorie containing “hot dog stuffed inside a bratwurst, stuffed inside a kielbasa, topped with sauerkraut and mustard, and served on a hoagie roll.” –This Dish is Veg
The question is, did they force these three animals to eat each other, then kill the one who succeeded, or did they just wait until everything was dead and start shoving stuff inside other stuff?
And the answer is: Who cares?
Some places will actually make you buy three different hot dogs. In fact, on most Dollar Dog Nights, when hot dogs will obviously be purchased more than any other menu item (I have personally booed people out of ordering hot sausage on when the hot dogs are just a buck), a stadium employs a limit on the amount you can buy per visit to the concession stand. This thing, whatever it is the culmination of, takes that issue right out of the equation. Take it from a guy who hates standing up and apparently doesn’t limit his booing to “people playing in the baseball game:” This is culinary innovation at its finest/greasiest/iconic band refrence-iest.
THE NICE 2 MEAT YOU BURGER
Courtesy of: Akron Aeros. Again. Seriously.
“This burger is a colossal creation – 1 ¼ lb. hamburger, stuffed with a ½ lb. hot dog, and ¼ lb. of bacon, cheese, and onions.” –Major League Bastian
I didn’t even want to bother putting another burger on here, and I really saw the redundancy in giving a single team two chances to make this list (After six whole minutes of research), so that should give you an idea of how epically damaging this food is to your human body.
Oh my god, its two pounds. I don’t even know what to say. Its the weight of one of those tiny little barbells people go jogging with. Not that anyone who would even consider consuming this has ever heard of “jogging.” What the hell is it. I have no idea.
The Aeros, however, don’t seem to be willing to stop until you’re stuck between the arm rests. At one point their attendance numbers were legendary, breaking Minor League records; and the fact that they won a lot kept people coming. In contemporary Aeros History, they’ve slipped into less historic numbers, which probably explains the intense desire to get people to the ballpark and restore the glory of their first three seasons, back in 1997. The eerie part is that the Aeros don’t seem to want people to be able to leave, either.
THE FUNNEL DOG
Courtesy of: Northwest Arkansas Naturals
“This hybrid dinner/dessert combines two staples of ballpark food: funnel cakes, and hot dogs.” –Sports Illustrated
Do you like food, but hate getting up? Well, a minor league baseball team in Northwest Arkansas has solved all of your problem. At Arvest Ballpark, the Naturals would prefer it if you came in and didn’t disturb anything by getting out of your seat; not the batter, not your seatmates–just your cholesterol.
Yes, anybody can shove one animal inside of another and demand seven of your dollars for their hard work. But this stadium is turning dinner and dessert into a one-step process, and all you have to do is pay for it to happen to you, then return to your seat and wait for the half-asleep embrace of diabetes.
THE BEAST
Courtesy of: Gateway Grizzlies
“The Beast features five pounds of Holten Meat Black Angus ground chuck marinated in Andria’s steak sauce, topped with bacon and pepper jack cheese and placed between a McArthur’s Bakery Hamburger Roll.” –Gateway Grizzlies website
I was actually lucky enough to secure a one-on-one interview with The Beast, after they finally reached my name on the waiting list four months later.
Call to the Pen: Hey, Beast, thanks for meeting with me. It’s wild to finally see you up close after reading so much about you. So, I understand you’re just the jumping off point, and GCS Ballpark encourages its customers to smother you with additional toppings. My question for you is, why in god’s name would someone add more food to you?
Beast: **Silence; juice slowly oozes of every side of ground chuck, like an old apartment building with leaky pipes**
CttP: Holy shit, do you come with an armful of buckets?
Beast: **Silence; a passing dog sees the giant sandwich and flips the hell out, barking and snarling**
CttP: Grizzlies GM once said you were comprised of “…the best ingredients in the St. Louis area.” Is it often that six separate business entities team up for a single sandwich?
Beast: **Silence; the sound of meat absorbing more oxygen than me, a person, is creepily audible**
CttP: Ha ha, that’s great stuff. Do you think you’ll contribute to helping the Grizzlies win their first post season series since 2003?
Beast: **Silence; a flock of sparrows has landed on the sandwich and begun picking it apart**
CAPTAINS COMPETITIVE EATING OLYMPICS
Courtesy of: Lake County Captains
“The bill of fare, by inning, was: 1 — One George’s Gyro; 2 — Four Twinkies; 3 — Two Chic-fil-A sandwiches, one of them spicy; 4 — One can of Spam; 5 — Four hot wings; 6 — One Fritos pie; 7 — Half-pound hot dog eating contest; 8 — Two pieces of pizza; 9 — One banana split.” –The News-Herald
Okay, everything prior to this–and I mean everything, the World Series, the Civil War, the dinosaurs–all of that combined is what this is.
Conducting a small hyperbol-ectomy, I’ll at least grant you that it is more like the last few sandwiches/pigs forced to cannibalize each other in one… thing. But not only that, it’s a competition to see who can actually complete it. Not who can do it the fastest, or who can do it the longest–who can reach the end without checking into a trash can for the evening.
Again, though, this is all part of the Minor League experience. Excess is what brings people to ballparks, and people are what Minor League teams need the most. Sometimes those people just choose to eat an entire can of Spam.