If you’ve been scooting around the internet the past few days, tunneling for stories about the upcoming MLB preseason, you’ve probably been privy to this:
Must participate in all media events and other appearances as required by MLB
Ha, ha, ha, of course no one’s just forcing you to stay in a room all summer, surrounded by televisions. It’s more of a “chamber,” I’d say, first of all; and secondly, there are plenty of trips outside. And as long as you do exactly what your guards/handlers shout at you, there’s a good chance your birth certificate and other intrical documents proving you exist won’t be destroyed.
Must share thoughts regarding games and topics of MLB interest via daily blogging, vlogging, and through social media platforms
You’re what? “Exhausted”? No time for that now! It probably felt like it wasn’t going to end, huh? Especially when that Dbacks-Astros game went into the 22nd inning without anybody scoring a run.
After a long night of baseball, hot dogs, intravenous drugs, and involuntary twitching, you’ve got to transcribe those thrilling reflections you’ve got into text and video form! We’re having some fun! Summer of dreams, right? Right?!
Get to work.
Must adhere to MLB’s program guidelines regarding all content and topics of discussion
Oh, I almost forgot. Here’s your 900-page pamphlet on what you will and will not be reading, writing, saying, and believing. Your thoughts are great and all, its just that they’re not always going to be the correct thoughts.
But don’t worry, that’s where the MLB Network’s Mind Control Task Force research team has got your back. If at any time you stray from the carefully calculated thinking they’ve cataloged for you, you’ll receive a friendly reminder of your agreement with us, and an encouraging steel-toed boot to the rib cage.
Must adhere to all other policies and procedures as required by MLB
You got a real pretty wife, friend. Be a real shame if somebody stopped adhering to our dainty little policies for just a second and she got hurt because of it.