A to-do list is a contract killer hired to slaughter your day. One by one, these tasks murder your free time and the more that are crossed out, the fewer minutes in your afternoon remain to complete the more important aspects of your day, like putting that six-year-old with the rocket launcher on Xbox Live in his place, voting for Call to the Pen’s NL All-Division Roster (The East is killing it at the moment), or kicking your Xbox 360 into pieces because damn it how does he keep getting to the rocket launcher before me.
But few of us have daily chores that require the boarding and exiting of planes in an ongoing attempt to talk the wrinkles out of Major League Baseball. One man, however, has the misfortune of this position, and with the issues dominating the headlines at the moment, his schedule doesn’t leave much time for Xbox.
He looks dazed and pasty, like he’d intended on getting a few more hours of sleep, but forgot to flip the sign to “do not disturb.” And if recent photos are any indication, he is unable to function in public without an audio device several inches from his mouth. But when your league is entering a year of negotiations without immediately ripping apart at the seams, other people are going to want your advice.
If you’re a Major League Baseball team, there’s a Weiner kicking your doors in.
Michael Weiner, that is. And that’s the last dick joke in this blog post.
As Executive Director of the MLBPA, Weiner is embarking on his yearly tour of all 30 Major League teams, making sure that just because they’ve entered a bargaining year, no one is freaking out and starting fires. No, Weiner is taking the kindling right out of their hands with a series of methodical, informed speeches to the players, in a mission that has, at least at the moment, prevented any cases of panic/arson.
It should be no surprise that the weathered Weiner can create a calming presence; people with loud, alarming personalities don’t really major in “political economy,” but it does require a higher pedigree of intelligence to snare a job as a law clerk for a U.S. District Judge. From 1986-88, Weiner served in just such a fashion under Hon. H. Lee Sarokin, beginning just after the overturn of Rubin “Hurricane” Carter’s triple murder conviction, and ending around the time of the $400,000 victory of Rose Cipollone against cigarette companies, after she died from smoking for four decades.
Now, he’s dealing with the all too familiar topic of player salary negotiations, having taken on similar duties for the NHL as well. This spring, his voice will be heard in clubhouses across the country. Or at least, in the two states that actually have teams in them at this point.
Michael Weiner kicked his way into the Cardinals’ clubhouse a few days ago; a place that has quietly become a gallery of morose head-hanging. Albert Pujols’ contract was offering no shreds of solace for the fans, and now with Adam Wainwright looking to most likely view 2011 from the outside looking in, the Cards have even more ground to cover in a division full of teams that spent all winter laying their own. Things might look grim, but after his speech, Weiner was off to visit the Mets, whose problems dwarf all competitors with way, way too much ease.
This time, when Weiner kicked the doors open, he walked through and quietly closed them on his way in. On the outside were inquiring reporters, lathering up for a go-around with the MLBPA’s rep; and on the inside was a team whose closer (the NL East All-Division Closer, mind you!) is now working under the arched scrutinizing of Michael Weiner’s monstrous eyebrows, and whose financial situation is so crippled, they’re taking out loans from MLB in an attempt to reanimate their corpse-like state after the Bernie Madoff scandal.
But straight from Weiner’s mouth flows nothing but optimism. As he stood in the Yankee’s current home just a few days ago, he expressed his desire to keep doing his job and make sure that the end of collective bargaining was not a cause for riotous shouting or confused punching. Spring Training kicks into high gear, putting a ticking clock on his work; but the man with the frazzled hair remains stoic in both nature and spirit, making sure that you and I have a something to watch in the coming months that doesn’t erode our Xbox Gamerscore.