How to Use Flawed Logic to Fill Out Your All-Star Ballot

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Its rough out there for us fans.

I mean, we don’t have to play in any of the games, or keep ourselves in reasonably good shape, or even show up to the ballpark sober.  But we do have to like, remember when the games are.  And stuff.

For many years, we even had to remember to grab a handful of All-Star ballots from some booth or something, and then punch through the chads with a pencil or a hangnail or whatever, and then remember to give the ballots back to stadium employees when they’d come by our section.  It was like being at work. Only people weren’t telling me where the third graders’ puke was and how I should hurry up and throw sawdust on it.  Its like, I’ve got shit to do in my creepy closet, Principal McGivers.  I’m writing a novel. About baseball.

Anyways, these days people are using computing machines, also known as “computers,” to contribute their votes, 25 ballots at a time.  Its been around since 2001, and is so handy-dandy, I don’t even have to harass the woman in the aisle for more ballots when I finished my first ten, only to discover she doesn’t work at the stadium and has called the police.

So go ahead and click here if you haven’t yet and we’ll go through this beautiful process together.  Sorry, I was talking to this whiskey bottle.  But you can come too, half-empty box of Cheez-its.

First off, give some love to MLB for including this feature that allowed you to highlight all the players on your favorite team, so you don’t even have to strain your eyeballs or remember people’s names before blindly voting for players who may or may not deserve it.  But if you’re not scrambling to vote Nick Swisher into the All-Star Game, and you want to put together a real ballot, then ignore it altogether.

Still here?  Damn, I’m impressed.  I’m going to skip the AL this first time through, because the Yankees are cackling devils with dollar sign pupils.  Maybe I’ll get to it later.  Maybe not.

All right, first base.  This is usually easy, but thanks to Albert Pujols purposely toying with everyone totally on purpose, I don’t know what to think.  I’d go with Joey Votto, but the amount of no credit he gets borders on comically tragic, and we might as well keep that going as long as we can, at this point.  Maybe Prince Fielder, but I don’t like how “on the Brewers” he is.  Better just go with Ryan Howard to be safe.  He strikes out a lot, but he also doesn’t sometimes.

Next is second base!  Some would argue that “not playing in a single game yet this year” should disqualify a player from being on the ballot entirely, but I’m going to click “Chase Utley” because he deserved to win the NL MVP award a few years back and now may never get the chance to.  He also has a real nice smile, and if this is a contest that doesn’t take that sort of thing into account, I’m not sure I want any part of it anyway.

Shortstop is such a tough choice.  On the one hand, I want to pick Troy Tulowitzki because of his incredible start and terrifying offensive numbers.  On the other, I’ve already chosen Jimmy Rollins.  He’s in a contract year and needs as much playing time as he can get to prove he’s worth keeping around, even if he isn’t.  I don’t know what I’d do if he showed up to Spring Training in another team’s uniform.  Probably kill off the protagonist in my novel in a grisly, horrible fashion again.

Third base is equally non-confrontational, and I’ll even break out some stats for you:  Placido Polanco is hitting .385 and broke the franchise record for the Phillies for hits in April.  Every time I look up, he’s getting on base, even when the rest of the Phils are dragging behind him like 24 particularly dead corpses.

That Buster Posey sure is young, but he reminds me too much of those aforementioned third graders who won’t stop barfing on each other.  I mean, its not even flu season anymore.  Granted, my novel has taken up the majority of my “dealing with the spreading black sludge from the back toilet in the bathroom” time, but still.  Their immune systems should mostly still be there.  The point is, you’re going to want to vote for Carlos Ruiz because his nickname is “Chooch” and it is fun to say.

In the left field spot, it’d be sheer insanity to vote for anyone but Ryan Braun!  With all those really high numbers next to his name, it seems impossible to consider anyone else.  Whoops, I accidentally clicked “Raul Ibanez.”  Huh.  Well, too late now.  They should really make it so you can go back fix things like that.  Oh well.  Good for Raul.

How about that Matt Kemp on the Dodgers!  Talk about a breakout season.  That dude is making quite a case to be the shimmering glimmer of hope for a Dodgers season marred by off the field tragedy, stupid ownership, and the team sucking.  If only Ben Francisco and Shane Victorino didn’t play in this league, he may have had a shot.  I also like this Carlos Gonzalez.  Too bad, though.

If you did it right, your All-Star Ballot should look like this:

AL

  • [Completely blank]

NL

  • 1B:  Ryan Howard, PHI
  • 2B:  Chase Utley, PHI
  • SS:  Jimmy Rollins, PHI
  • 3B:  Placido Polanco, PHI
  • C:  Carlos Ruiz, PHI
  • CF:  Shane Victorino, PHI
  • RF:  Ben Francisco, PHI
  • LF:  Raul Ibanez, PHI
  • Write-in:  Pete Orr, PHI

You may have noticed that the American League side of your ballot is still completely blank.  That is because there are no Philadelphia Phillies currently playing in the AL.

And that’s it!  You’re completely finished voting for the 2011 MLB All-Star game.  Congratulations.  Now, hurry up and register another email address so you can vote 25 more times, as the game intended.