Irrational Conclusions to Draw from One Week of Baseball
Spring may be that magical time of year when birds are chirping and the crack of the bat fills the air and [CLICHE MISSING PLEASE CONSULT OLD PERSON FOR APPROPRIATE SPRINGTIME NOSTALGIA], but when the season actually starts, we can feel free to make snap judgements without the haze of preseason hope. Yes, the real season legitimizes all claims, not like that fake season that started in March. Man, I was pretty convinced the A’s were gonna win it all.
No, now is that period of the season when promising teams can appear weak and talentless; scrappy ne’er-do-wells scramble out the gate and muster enough luck to sit atop the divison; and we can all sit back and chortle mindlessly at fun, insane statistics. George Sherill’s ERA is 108.00! Ha ha!
Predictions are left unfulfilled. Dreams remain un-crushed. And everyone talks about how aware they are that it is only four games into the season and these statistics are meaningless.
Except, we aren’t really. If you’re a Mets fan right now, you’re ecstatic. If you’re a Phillies fan, you’re furious. If you’re a Royals fan, you’re whistling and polishing an old shotgun. If you’re a Braves fan, you’re squinting at your framed picture of Chipper Jones, whispering affectionate somethings you’ve never even said to your spouse as your eyes fill with tears.
So why don’t we review who is feeling what at this unfair, unreasonable intersection of baseball.
The Upstarts
Mets, Pirates, Orioles, Astros
The last time we saw the Orioles, they were hopping jubilantly about the infield of Camden Yards; a youthful exuberance that was soon killed when they were informed that knocking a team out of the playoffs does not mean that they get to go instead. Quickly, they threw up an index finger and asked Baltimore to hang onto that emotion for six short months while baseball ended and started again.
In the interim, not a lot changed for the Orioles. They swapped out Jeremy Guthrie for Jason Hammel, and almost got a no-hitter for their troubles. Which was interesting. They now sit a half game out of first place.
Those of you in this situation are undoubtedly hearing a lot of archaeological facts as well, like the Astros not having a winning record since 2009, and the Orioles not starting the season with a three-game sweep since… well, since last season, when they did it to the eventual Wild Card champs whose playoff spot they would guarantee by beating the Red Sox on the aforementioned last game of the season. Are the Orioles the Illuminati? Remember, it’s April, so we can confidently say “yes.”
Beyond that, there is also sweet vindication to be sampled. How about that long term contract the Pirates gave Andrew McCutchen, like they were some ballsy big market club locking down a franchise player and then celebrating by firing a cannon of money into a champagne fountain. Eff yeah!
Doesn’t seem so silly now, does it, with the Pirates this close to winning the division. And speaking of commanding division leads, the Mets don’t seem to have any challengers, despite being the only team not considered to be a contender in the NL East. Nevertheless, their success has gotten the attention of the kind of societal exemplaries that make up the Mets fanbase.
The Disappointments
Phillies, Braves, Red Sox, Yankees
It may be hard to discern the normal horrified screams coming from a place like Philadelphia from the ones that are Phillies-centric, but they’re there, certainly. After starting the 2011 season with a sweep, they sure didn’t expect to begin the following year watching Andrew McCutchen sprint past the dugout in front of a roaring crowd of Pirates fans. Or that they would be doing it without World Series rings. Or their two best hitters.
The trick to surviving this ordeal is to dig up endless facts paralleling your current situation. For instance, did you know the last time the Braves started a season 0-3, they went onto win 103 games? Yes, you probably know that, because everyone retweeted that gem as soon as it hit the internet. Combined with the whole “Red Sox and Yankees haven’t both been 0-3 since 1966” thing and you’ve basically got Jayson Stark’s next column.
This, of course, can all be easily unraveled by the reminder that the team is playing like absolute dog shit right now. Besides, remember all that’s at stake?! Why, the Phillies are playing for their own cable network! Anymore of these harsh whispering mound conversations that don’t end in a victory and god only knows what people in Philadelphia will watch instead. Ever see La Salle College’s local access programming? It’s like watching a dream factory burn to the ground.
If there are any teams universally admired across the league, it’s the ones from New York and Boston, so everyone will be thrilled to know the Yankees and Sox have righted the ship, finally notching their first victories of the year. Very soon we’ll be back to being informed of their glorious history and current mastering of the game 28 other teams play just as regularly. The Phillies, on the other hand, seem to be doing a “downward spiral” kind of thing that’s just a lot harder to watch.
So good luck to these clearly ruined teams, who need to comfort themselves with Twitter facts and the promise of history repeating itself. Unless, hey; maybe it is 1966 again! Anybody know the status of Botswana’s independence? Is it achieved yet? Oh boy!
The Right-Where-They-Should-Bes
Rays, Cardinals, Diamondbacks, Cardinals, Tigers, Rangers
Yeah, great. Enjoy yourselves. They picked you to do great and you’re doing it. Your fans turn on the game and know what to expect. Watch Justin Verlander do thing to batters that… that they don’t want you to do to them. Be great without your superstar. Capitalize on your carefully cultivated farm system. Dance around you internationally acquired phenom. Witness your meteoric rise to the top of the power rankings.
Take it all in, and enjoy how much sweeter it is without anybody telling you snarkily, “It’s only four games into the season.” Being built to win, you can tell that person that they suck, and not feel bad when they run out of the office, crying.
Congratulations on all your success.
You can follow Call to the Pen on Twitter at @FSCalltothePen or like us here on Facebook.