An Interview with Dustin Pedroia’s Balding Head

I don’t have the biggest pull in the world of baseball writing these days. Shocking, I know. It turns out the masses aren’t exactly clamoring for meaningless lists about nothing written in exhausting, meandering prose. They prefer scalding hot baseball news and scintillating sports opinions. And who can blame them? No, I am not the baseball writer the people want, or deserve, or even think about ever in any way at all, so imagine my surprise when I was presented with the unique and exclusive opportunity to interview Dustin Pedroia‘s Balding Head. Yes, the very same head that sits atop the shoulders of the popular Boston Red Sox second baseman! After a few clandestine electronic messages and phone calls, I agreed to conduct my interview with Dustin Pedroia’s Balding Head over Email, as to give the body part ample time and forethought to ensure the most complete and considered answers possible. Needless to say, I am very excited and proud of the results. Read them in their pure, unedited form below.

Kyle Davis: Well first, let me start of by thanking you for this extraordinary opportunity. It’s not every day that one gets to interview the balding head of an American League MVP.

Balding Head of Dustin Pedroia: Oh, you’re very kind. But I can assure you that the pleasure is all mine.

KD: So how have you and Dustin adjusted to the Red Sox new manager, Bobby Valentine? He’s been quite the controversial figure in his short stint as leader.

BHDP: There has definitely been a slight awkward period. Sometimes it takes a while to get used to a new approach, or a new way of doing things. Bobby made a few comments in the media that we didn’t like, and we’ve definitely disagreed with him publicly on a topic or two, but lately things have been going smoothly. He even gives me a pat and a rub from time to time, something I enjoy quite a bit.

KD: The Red Sox are going through a rough season, how have you and Dustin handled the pressure and frustrations on a day-to-day basis?

BHDP: Well I have to be honest, this season has been great for me. Dustin and I don’t always see scalp-to-scalp as far as positive feelings go, you know what I mean? We sort of have conflicting interests. He’s been under a lot of stress, no doubt, and as a result of this stress, I’ve been growing quite a bit. It’s been awesome. Hair has fallen out, and I’ve taken over. I’m stronger and more noticeable than ever before. I’m in the prime of my life!

KD: I’m very happy for you. Congratulations on all of your success. What was it like earlier in the season when Dustin was placed on the DL for various thumb injuries? That couldn’t have been easy.

BHDP: That’s certainly true. I always prefer to be out on the field. I like the adrenaline of playing at the highest level, and the constant warmth from being covered in a wool cap or padded helmet on an almost daily basis. I’d always prefer to be covered. Friction and heat are my two closest allies. We get along great and when Dustin is out on the field competing, that’s when we get most of our work done.

KD: Friction and heat are preferable to stress?

BHDP: The difference is slight, but noticeable. Stress is great, don’t get me wrong, and I’m going to do my thing no matter the circumstances. I’m inevitable, you know. But all things being equal, the excitement of an MLB game coupled with the comfort of a snug dome cover are second to none.

KD: That’s certainly valuable information for our readers. So how are you feeling now that the thumb is healed and Dustin is back on the field?

BHDP: We’re feeling awesome. I actually talked to the thumb the other day and he’s in high spirits. He was pretty low, pretty depressed at the start of July when all these problems proved too much to handle. He was so sore and covered in bandages that he couldn’t even visit me up here, the contact and force were too much for him—but now that he’s back in action things are looking up. 

KD: So how is Dustin handling these stuggles? He was the MVP in 2008, he had perhaps his best season ever in 2011. Is it difficult to face these challenges after experiencing such success?

BHDP: Last season was great, 2008, even better. This season has been a let down, no doubt. We’re fourth in the division, we’re 8.5 games behind the Yankees! Those bastards have done a lot for me, personally, but I don’t let that color my view of them. They’re no good for Dustin. But we’re both in this for the long haul. We don’t take any game for granted. The rush of the crowd, the tingling sensation after a great defensive play or clutch hit, there’s no substitution for that kind of feeling. We savor every moment, every brush, every shave and clipping. We feel every watt of energy from the hot, bright lights. Major League Baseball is the best, don’t let anybody tell you different.

KD:  That’s very well put. Your perspective is a refreshing reminder to all of us of the preciousness of youth. It’s great that you and Dustin have taken such wonderful advantage of all your talents. Thanks so much for taking the time. We wish you all the best.

BHDP: Any time, it’s been a lot of fun. He keeps on shaving me down, trying to hide me from the world, but you and I both know I’m here to stay! Everyone sees me no matter what the rest of his head looks like! You can’t miss me.

(Both parties laugh together for quite some time.)

Kyle writes baseball nonsense at The Trance of Waiting. You can follow him on Twitter @AgainstKyle.