Examining Jose Canseco’s New Year’s Resolutions

The great part about this blog post is that Jose Canseco has already done all of the heavy lifting. When I sit down to write about the happenings of base and ball, I hope make a few comedy jokes that aren’t terrible and/or discuss a topic of interest with some semblance of reasonable intelligence. Mr. Canseco, his mere presence able to get us out of the blogging blocks rather rapidly, has gone above and beyond the expectations of his station by providing all the comedy and intrigue a baseball scribe could ask for, bless his heart. The trick is now not to mess it up, to let the ingredients shine on their own without a whole lot of tinkering and messing about. We want to heighten the content, without overpowering. When the ball is placed gently on a tee in front of a batter, a large swing and miss is all the more embarrassing. In this scenario yours truly is the batter, and the swinging is the writing and the ball is the blog post. Although Jose Canseco is a noted slugger of baseballs, so I could understand that it’s sort of a confusing metaphor. Oh god, it’s already happening.

Jose Canseco has made some New Year’s Resolutions on the Twitter machine. Ten of them, maybe eleven, we’ll leave that up to the readers discretion. BuzzFeed has kindly compiled said tweets here, and they have been reproduced and commented upon below. There are all sorts of [sics] down there in Mr. Canseco’s text, I’m sure. That’s probably not all that important but now I’ve told you and now you know, and no one can claim otherwise. To the Resolutions!

1. spend more time with my daughter

An honorable resolution, no doubt.

2. get stronger and fitter

How is that even possible

3. help people who are getting screwed wherever i can

I thought these would be funnier, but Canseco is batting 2-for-3 so far. That would be good for an average over .600! Baseball talk!

4. return to pro baseball as player or manager and have dinners with McGwire, La Russa, Bonds, and Selig.

In fairness, this kind of seems like two resolutions. I don’t think the second part (dinners) needs to be dependent on the first part (returning to baseball). But what do I know? Maybe those baseball guys would only entertain the notion of dining with Mr. Canseco were he to be a recognized employee within the good old MLB. Maybe, but something tells me that it wouldn’t factor into their decision either way.

5. Fight Shaq in MMA cage match

Ok, now we’re talking.

5. develop and launch Ponce de CAnseco a real anti aging drink

Please note that this is the second fifth resolution, and it should be easy enough. Coming up with the name is the hardest part! Now all he has to do is develop, create, and launch successfully, a drink that combats the inevitable process of aging. Simple!

6. Get elected to a important political office in the U.S. or canada to help all people and governments with there problems

I think this one has a better chance of happening than Ponce de CAnseco a real anti aging drink. Odds favor it happening in the United States for reasons that are too depressing to fully explore.

7. Become a world class entreprenur and found at least two great companies that make peoples lives better and funner

Also related to the second fifth resolution. He’s basically halfway there!

8. Write a third book and do a move deal for Juiced!

I think he means movie deal. Trust me, I studied English in college.

9. Do at least 100 promotional deals for good companies and products like Animal Rights, Human health, Environmental, and Beer companies

Once again, a noble resolution. Sure, Animal Rights, Human health, and Environmental aren’t exactly what you would call “companies” or “products,” but I think we understand what he was getting at, and Beer certainly fits the parameters. Beer also seems just as equally important as the other three, if not more so.

10. Use position as A List entertainer doing reality, TV, movies, blogs, columns, appearances to be able to do more charity

I was hoping we could end this post on a big, absurd punch line, but Canseco is really putting it all out there with Resolution #10. “A List entertainer” is certainly a bit generous, but he obviously has access to most of those media platforms, and donating time and money to charity is nothing to laugh at. Do you know what is something to laugh at? How life and existence is completely devoid of all meaning and purpose, and how one day the Sun will swell and expand and engulf the Earth, that’s what.

Kyle writes baseball nonsense at The Trance of Waiting. You can follow him on Twitter @AgainstKyle.