Philadelphia Phillies fans: Devious hopes for the NLCS

Philadelphia Phillies fans may not be cheering for their team in the NLCS, but that doesn’t mean they don’t have a rooting interest.

Contrary to their widespread image, Philadelphia Phillies fans do understand the notion of competitive etiquette in sports. They know a vanquished opponent should be called a “really good team over there,” that every upcoming opponent is a “serious challenge,” and that actually vomiting on another fan is pretty rude.

For the current NLCS between the Los Angeles Dodgers and the Milwaukee Brewers, however, Phillies fans are going to withhold their “best wishes” for both the competing teams as is ordinarily done for opponents who weathered a season better than their team did.

You might well surmise here that Phillies fans are wishing the Dodgers well because Philadelphia icon Chase Utley ended up there, and you might be puzzled about a presumed animosity towards the Brewers. If that’s the case – oops – you were just picked off base while inspecting your fingernails.

Wrong on both counts.

Proper Phillies fans need to be fervently rooting for the Brewers. They need to be sending the Beermen all the good vibes they can, by whatever means they believe in, and they need to be putting seriously meant voodoo curses on the Dodgers.

Utley isn’t even on the roster for the NLCS. They sent him away with a rocking chair. But that’s not the point. Phillies fans have to somehow jinx the chances of Dodgers shortstop Manny “I’m Only Rented” Machado. Manny must have miserable memories of his last games in Dodger blue this season because Manny must sign with the Phillies when the season is over.

Uh-oh

Thus, it was with some alarm the Phillies fans watched the first game of the NLCS in Milwaukee Oct. 12. Not only did Machado hit an absolute tracer into the LCF seats in the second inning to put the Dodgers up 1-0, he later drove in two more runs with another liner during the Dodgers’ rally in the eighth inning.

Despite Milwaukee’s relievers holding on for a 6-5 Brewers win, Manny had to be reasonably satisfied with his personal efforts for the evening. This was not good.

Yes, the Dodgers lost, but the Brewers had to use flame-throwing reliever Josh Hader for three innings and a ridiculous 46 pitches. Hader will likely be unavailable for game two of the series.

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That might still work out for the purposes of Phillies fans. At least three more games will be played, and Hader will surely show up again, given the general dependence of the Brewers on their bullpen.

With any luck (and rabbits feet, and hexes, and black cats sent by UPS if necessary), Milwaukee will sweep LA, and Hader will be available late in game four – when he could hit Machado in the upper arm with a 97-mph fastball that will leave a bruise that won’t turn from purple to yellow for a week. If possible, this should happen at the tail-end of a hitless day.

Of the highest profile stars available once the World Series is over this year, Phillies fans should prefer Machado to Bryce Harper. He is the more valuable of these two players to a team whose defense was a serious liability this summer, and honestly, he’s a better hitter than Harper as well. For those who like WAR, take a look at these two players’ figures for the past seven years as well as this season (33.8 to 27.4, etc.).

So, Manny, I have to go sign a card Phillies fans will be sending you later today. It reads, in part, “Hope you’re having a terrible time in LA – because we love you.”