MLB All-Time Names: The All-Horrid Name Team
In looking back at the history of a game of great names, who are some of the MLB all-time horrible names, especially in view of a modern era?
The following MLB All-Time list is fully made up of documented MLB players. Not all of their names are actually horrid unless you consider the notion of attempting to play with certain monikers in a less politically correct era – with guys. This list was partly compiled by The All-Horrid Name Committee years ago, which is to say by your correspondent and a respected physician, utilizing the old Macmillan Baseball Encyclopedia (a very large book indeed), said physician’s sofa, a boring NFL game on TV (now totally forgotten), and a couple of six-packs.
One of the following names has not made it into Baseball-Reference.com, but all are or were in the MLB players’ registry. These names make up one of the truly strange MLB lists, which has been fleshed out here in terms of biographies as far as they could be and in order to put together a team with every position filled.
This All-Time list also argues forcefully that “Choo-Choo” Coleman and J.J. Putz are pretty regular names.
Let’s start with a questionable case, to say the least:
LHP(?) Fast: Fast is a curious case. While we don’t know his first name or even if he was left-handed for sure, we do know he was born in Milwaukee and that his ERA was 10.34 in four games for the Indianapolis Hoosiers in 1887.
How could his birthplace have been recorded, but not his first name? Many of the “one-name players” in the MLB registry may fairly be assumed to have been using pseudonyms, or were last-minute replacements, sloppily identified. (The Committee did feel that Fast was rather a good name for a pitcher, even if incomplete.)
Right-handed pitchers
RHP “Foots” Barfoot: Clyde Barfoot compiled an 8-10 record and a 4.10 ERA, for the 1922-’23 Cardinals and the ’26 Yankees. His 1.434 WHIP probably doomed him. In his parts of three seasons he issued 66 walks while striking out only 49.
Did Barfoot ever get to have a beer in peace? Did he have particularly large – or small – feet? Or did he just like to play footsie at the bar? Has any other All-Time list involved such questions?
RHP “Flame” Delhi: This player definitely flamed out, throwing only three innings with the White Sox in 1912. Lee William Delhi was only 19 when he appeared, and he didn’t get much defensive support in his debut and last game. He gave up six runs, but only three were earned, and it seems odd the Pale Hose wouldn’t give a 6-foot-2, 198-pound hurler at least another few innings.
It’s not clear whether or not Delhi opened a steakhouse later in life. It could have been 333 Steaks, in honor of his three innings pitched and his 3.333 WHIP.
RHP John Urrea: John Goody Urrea is the first modern player on the list. He pissed around with the Cardinals and Padres between ’77 and ’81, compiling a 17-18 record. A first-round draft choice in 1974 (14th overall), he managed to pitch 363 1/3 innings in his career, and booked a respectable final ERA of 3.74 with nine saves.
Around the infield
C Noe Munoz: Despite attending Emiliano Zapata High School in his native Mexico, Munoz’ career was not really very revolutionary. He played almost noe MLB games – two for the Dodgers in 1995. His big league career spanned a total of 14 days, in which he occupied the eighth slot in LA’s batting order twice, going to the plate exactly once. Aside from his PA and AB columns, his record is a kind of miracle of zeroes. He was on the field for a total of 15 batters, but made no errors, had no passed balls, and stopped all potential wild pitches.
1B “Chicken” Hawks: Louis Nelson Hawks is a bit of a mystery. He was a .316 “lifetime” MLB hitter, but played in only two seasons in The Show, one each with the 1921 Yankees and the ’25 Phillies, although he played another 12 years in the minors, including with five different teams after his stint with Philadelphia. In his season in Philly, he posted a .322 batting average (fifth best on the team), hitting five home runs and driving in 45. The last two teams Hawks played for, the San Francisco Seals and the Mission Reds, were in the Pacific Coast League. As is widely known, those old PCL teams, in the absence of MLB on the West Coast, sometimes paid very well, attracting players who might otherwise be in the American or National League “back east.” However, could “Chicken” Hawks have been one of the Phillies numerous errors in judgement in the 20th century?
In view of the horrible Sandusky scandal and the continuing scandal in a major American church, the Committee has recommended against any jokes here at all.
2B “Buttercup” Dickerson: A tiny player at 5-foot-6 and 140 pounds, Lewis Pessano Dickerson was a petal in the wind, playing for eight teams in seven seasons between 1878 and 1885 while hitting .284. He is the only player on the list to have played for the Worcester Ruby Legs.
He is also one of a number of MLB players saddled with arguably female names, including three whose first name was Shannon, a Lindsay, and an Andrea. See also 3B.
3B Loren Babe: Take note that Babe’s first name was his given name. His nickname was “Bee Bee”, and he was a .223 lifetime hitter with the 1952 and ‘53 Yankees and the ’53 Athletics.
Babe may have been a player 50 years before his time, because he walked exactly 1.50 times for each of his career strikeouts. However, after going from New York, where he started the ’53 season 6 for 18, to the Athletics, he tailed off to a .224 BA and was gone from MLB for good.
SS Tony Suck: Apparently, Tony Suck was actually born Charles Anthony Zuck, but the reason for changing his name seems to be lost in the mists of time. This is not surprising since he was literally born before the Civil War, in 1858.
Suck’s only noteworthy performance was in 1884. That season he had three hits in ten at-bats for the Baltimore Monumentals of the Union Association, which is not seen by some as a “major league.” The infielder’s lifetime batting average is currently considered to be .151 and included a bit more time with another UA team, the Chicago Browns in ‘84, and some time with the Buffalo Bisons the previous season, where he had one hit in eight AB.
He wasn’t much of a fielder either.
One day Suck’s line in history may very well be his lonely, two-game effort for that nearly forgotten National League team in upstate New York. But despite an early death (at 36), the player is actually documented as a continuing baseball enthusiast and umpire who was very likeable.
OF Johnny Dickshot: It seems an All-Time list invention to follow up Tony Suck with Dickshot, the Committee’s unanimous choice for team captain.
Dickshot had a nickname as well, and I can actually hear you cringing out there. Don’t worry – it was “Ugly.” He was not a bad player, posting a lifetime BA of .276 with Pittsburgh, the New York Giants and Chicago White Sox in the ’30’s and ’40’s.
Note well: Suck and Dickshot played in different eras, so it might be considered a blessing that no manager ever had to fill out a line-up card with their names in the order given here.
OF “Soup” Campbell: Clarence Campbell’s name may not truly belong on the All-Time list for horrible names, but his career was certainly a thin broth. An Indian just before the outbreak of World War II, he tallied only 96 hits in 139 games for a .246 BA. He did manage ten assists in 1941, but also made eight errors in the rough half season he played that year.
OF “Count” Campau: Campau had a broken up career, playing in 1888 for the Detroit Wolverines, in ‘90 for the St. Louis Browns and in ’94 for Washington, compiling a .267 batting average. The rest of the time he was at the castle in his coffin.
Charles Columbus Campau was also the manager of the Browns in his year with them, the year he hit nine of his ten lifetime home runs. He likely picked up his name because of his impressive handlebar mustache.
“Sour Mash” Jack Daniels will be the utility man on this All-Time list since he played second, third, short, and the outfield for the 1952 Boston Braves. It may come as a shock to some younger readers, but nicknames connoting heavy drinking were once considered by some a badge of honor. Daniels, of course, had little choice there, but then again he only played one year, hitting a possibly hungover .187. On the other hand, the man lived until he was 85.
Next. 21st century face of franchise for each team. dark
Finally, this MLB All-Time list will be rounded out by PH Mose “The Rabbi of Swat” Solomon, who apparently had a wonderful public relations firm working for him. The guy gathered three hits in eight AB, but no home runs, and vanished after the 1923 season with the New York Giants.
You may fill out the rest of the 25-man roster with your Razor Shines and others.