MLB All-Time Names: The All-Horrid Name Team
By Rick Soisson
OF Johnny Dickshot: It seems an All-Time list invention to follow up Tony Suck with Dickshot, the Committee’s unanimous choice for team captain.
Dickshot had a nickname as well, and I can actually hear you cringing out there. Don’t worry – it was “Ugly.” He was not a bad player, posting a lifetime BA of .276 with Pittsburgh, the New York Giants and Chicago White Sox in the ’30’s and ’40’s.
Note well: Suck and Dickshot played in different eras, so it might be considered a blessing that no manager ever had to fill out a line-up card with their names in the order given here.
OF “Soup” Campbell: Clarence Campbell’s name may not truly belong on the All-Time list for horrible names, but his career was certainly a thin broth. An Indian just before the outbreak of World War II, he tallied only 96 hits in 139 games for a .246 BA. He did manage ten assists in 1941, but also made eight errors in the rough half season he played that year.
OF “Count” Campau: Campau had a broken up career, playing in 1888 for the Detroit Wolverines, in ‘90 for the St. Louis Browns and in ’94 for Washington, compiling a .267 batting average. The rest of the time he was at the castle in his coffin.
Charles Columbus Campau was also the manager of the Browns in his year with them, the year he hit nine of his ten lifetime home runs. He likely picked up his name because of his impressive handlebar mustache.
“Sour Mash” Jack Daniels will be the utility man on this All-Time list since he played second, third, short, and the outfield for the 1952 Boston Braves. It may come as a shock to some younger readers, but nicknames connoting heavy drinking were once considered by some a badge of honor. Daniels, of course, had little choice there, but then again he only played one year, hitting a possibly hungover .187. On the other hand, the man lived until he was 85.
Next. 21st century face of franchise for each team. dark
Finally, this MLB All-Time list will be rounded out by PH Mose “The Rabbi of Swat” Solomon, who apparently had a wonderful public relations firm working for him. The guy gathered three hits in eight AB, but no home runs, and vanished after the 1923 season with the New York Giants.
You may fill out the rest of the 25-man roster with your Razor Shines and others.