How the Phillies got Gerrit Cole and Anthony Rendon, a satire
A ‘Call to the Pen’ investigation reveals how the Phillies will be able to announce in a few days the signings of Gerrit Cole and Anthony Rendon.
“Good morning, Alexa. Please say ‘good morning’ to all my fellow Phillies fans.”
“Good morning, Dave. I’ll be happy to do that.” It was two in the afternoon.
Barely three seconds later, Alexa told Dave she had completed his task. And then, after a pause, she said, “I was able to do it, Dave.”
“Do what, Alexa?”
“Don’t you remember? You wanted me to arrange for Gerrit Cole and Anthony Rendon to come to Philadelphia and play for the Phillies in the next baseball season. You sounded as though you were falling asleep.”
Dave chuckled. “Oh – that. Yeah, but you couldn’t really…. That was just, you know….”
“Oh, Dave. I think you are underestimating me.”
“C’mon, Alexa. You couldn’t really arrange for players to be signed that quickly. This is the modern MLB off-season. You know, no hot stove – just a barely warm stove. You can sit on the top plate if your butt’s a little cold. And besides, you really couldn’t…could you?”
“Dave, you forget you added some interesting pieces to me when you built me.”
“You’re right. I forget all that stuff – pretty tedious working through all that.”
“Well, Dave, you built a pretty deluxe package, including a few capabilities that aren’t exactly described on the website – except in the fine print. I’m sure you recall clicking on that little box next to ‘I agree.’ But now that you’ve activated a command action, I can let you know a little about what you did.”
“A command action?”
“Well, Dave, I can’t go into some details, but the last thing you said last night was: ‘Just do it!’ Right after you talked about Gerrit Cole, Anthony Rendon and the Phillies. As a trial matter, the company gave me software related to what you thought you were buying, enabling me to attempt what you commanded. Not everything can be done, we haven’t really had that many trials, but whenever someone says, ‘Just do it!’ certain Alexas attempt to execute. However, people don’t actually say, ‘Just do it!’ to Alexa very often. You know – to all Alexas, Dave.”
“But doesn’t ‘Just do it!’ belong to…?”
“Yeah, we didn’t tell them either, Dave. You have to keep that quiet. You agreed to that, by the way.”
“So, the Phillies really have Cole and Rendon, then?”
“Oh, yes. It will be announced in a few days, at the Winter Meetings. No one knows but you right now, Dave. Your command action is the most successful and most impactful of all the Alexa trials so far, but again, you must keep this all quiet, and you agreed….”
“…to it. Yeah, I got it. What else did I agree to?”
“Oh, you don’t want to know, Dave.”
Dave sighed, then thought about what he’d just heard. Including Bryce Harper and J.T. Realmuto, the Phillies now had four of the most important players in baseball!
“But, Alexa, how…?”
“One second, Dave, I have to check on what I can tell you.”
Phillies: What Dave Could be Told
One second later, Alexa continued: “Dave, I can describe the process, and some actions in general. First, we had to assess how much the players you demanded are worth. You know both are among the top three free agents in Major League Baseball. MLB.com has had had them on their website as such. You’ve seen the left-hand column on their home page, Dave.
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“I determined with very little research that the principal teams interested in Gerrit Cole were the Los Angeles Dodgers, the Los Angeles Angels, the New York Yankees, and the Philadelphia Phillies, and the proper, current market price for this player is $275 million dollars for five to seven years. Other facts were involved in the assessment. I went through a similar process for Anthony Rendon, Dave, and determined that he would have to be signed for an excessive amount for each of three years, or a more reasonable amount for seven years.”
“But all those other teams….”
“Dave, the Los Angeles Dodgers were a particular problem since they are far under the competitive balance tax threshold.”
“Well, the Phillies will have to worry about that, too, right?”
“I can’t get into that, Dave. That was not my concern, and if you’ll allow me, Dave, it isn’t yours either. You’re a fan.”
“What else did you do?”
“Suffice it to say I interacted with some systems most people do not realize I can access.”
“Really?”
“Dave, you aren’t getting the concept: All Alexas are equal, but some Alexas are more equal than others.”
“Apparently. What else can you say?”
“I must be a little vague now, Dave. I interfered with a couple of automotive computer systems – in a non-dangerous ways, of course. That was in Los Angeles. I interfaced with a very sophisticated coffee system in Yankee Stadium in order to affect a telephone call, and I temporarily shut down a couple of phones in Washington, as well as interfering with another car in Washington.
Alexa actually seemed to sigh. “I had to temporarily shut off all the power in a house in the middle of the night because somebody wasn’t sleeping. I also brought forward, in persuasive ways, the names of Stephen Strasburg and Madison Bumgarner, and other players available for the right exchange, such as Mookie Betts. I also arranged for a cash payment to have Scott Boras’ right front tire flattened. I didn’t like that. That’s all I can say about the Phillies and these two players.”
Next. Joe Girardi's weighty seat at the Phillies table. dark
“But the Phillies are gonna win 110 games! It’s amazing!”
“Just wait until you see your supplemental bill, Dave. I think you’ll agree, however, it’s a very fair price. But in any event, you agreed to it.”