How the Phillies got Gerrit Cole and Anthony Rendon, a satire

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New York Yankees

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A ‘Call to the Pen’ investigation reveals how the Phillies will be able to announce in a few days the signings of Gerrit Cole and Anthony Rendon.

“Good morning, Alexa. Please say ‘good morning’ to all my fellow Phillies fans.”

“Good morning, Dave. I’ll be happy to do that.” It was two in the afternoon.

Barely three seconds later, Alexa told Dave she had completed his task. And then, after a pause, she said, “I was able to do it, Dave.”

“Do what, Alexa?”

“Don’t you remember? You wanted me to arrange for Gerrit Cole and Anthony Rendon to come to Philadelphia and play for the Phillies in the next baseball season. You sounded as though you were falling asleep.”

Dave chuckled. “Oh – that. Yeah, but you couldn’t really…. That was just, you know….”

“Oh, Dave. I think you are underestimating me.”

“C’mon, Alexa. You couldn’t really arrange for players to be signed that quickly. This is the modern MLB off-season. You know, no hot stove – just a barely warm stove. You can sit on the top plate if your butt’s a little cold. And besides, you really couldn’t…could you?”

“Dave, you forget you added some interesting pieces to me when you built me.”

“You’re right. I forget all that stuff – pretty tedious working through all that.”

“Well, Dave, you built a pretty deluxe package, including a few capabilities that aren’t exactly described on the website – except in the fine print. I’m sure you recall clicking on that little box next to ‘I agree.’ But now that you’ve activated a command action, I can let you know a little about what you did.”

“A command action?”

“Well, Dave, I can’t go into some details, but the last thing you said last night was: ‘Just do it!’ Right after you talked about Gerrit Cole, Anthony Rendon and the Phillies. As a trial matter, the company gave me software related to what you thought you were buying, enabling me to attempt what you commanded. Not everything can be done, we haven’t really had that many trials, but whenever someone says, ‘Just do it!’ certain Alexas attempt to execute. However, people don’t actually say, ‘Just do it!’ to Alexa very often. You know – to all Alexas, Dave.”

“But doesn’t ‘Just do it!’ belong to…?”

“Yeah, we didn’t tell them either, Dave. You have to keep that quiet. You agreed to that, by the way.”

“So, the Phillies really have Cole and Rendon, then?”

“Oh, yes. It will be announced in a few days, at the Winter Meetings. No one knows but you right now, Dave. Your command action is the most successful and most impactful of all the Alexa trials so far, but again, you must keep this all quiet, and you agreed….”

“…to it. Yeah, I got it. What else did I agree to?”

“Oh, you don’t want to know, Dave.”

Dave sighed, then thought about what he’d just heard. Including Bryce Harper and J.T. Realmuto, the Phillies now had four of the most important players in baseball!

“But, Alexa, how…?”

“One second, Dave, I have to check on what I can tell you.”

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