How the Phillies got Gerrit Cole and Anthony Rendon, a satire

Phillies: What Dave Could be Told

One second later, Alexa continued: “Dave, I can describe the process, and some actions in general. First, we had to assess how much the players you demanded are worth. You know both are among the top three free agents in Major League Baseball. MLB.com has had had them on their website as such. You’ve seen the left-hand column on their home page, Dave.

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“I determined with very little research that the principal teams interested in Gerrit Cole were the Los Angeles Dodgers, the Los Angeles Angels, the New York Yankees, and the Philadelphia Phillies, and the proper, current market price for this player is $275 million dollars for five to seven years. Other facts were involved in the assessment. I went through a similar process for Anthony Rendon, Dave, and determined that he would have to be signed for an excessive amount for each of three years, or a more reasonable amount for seven years.”

“But all those other teams….”

“Dave, the Los Angeles Dodgers were a particular problem since they are far under the competitive balance tax threshold.”

“Well, the Phillies will have to worry about that, too, right?”

“I can’t get into that, Dave. That was not my concern, and if you’ll allow me, Dave, it isn’t yours either. You’re a fan.”

“What else did you do?”

“Suffice it to say I interacted with some systems most people do not realize I can access.”

“Really?”

“Dave, you aren’t getting the concept: All Alexas are equal, but some Alexas are more equal than others.”

“Apparently. What else can you say?”

“I must be a little vague now, Dave. I interfered with a couple of automotive computer systems – in a non-dangerous ways, of course. That was in Los Angeles. I interfaced with a very sophisticated coffee system in Yankee Stadium in order to affect a telephone call, and I temporarily shut down a couple of phones in Washington, as well as interfering with another car in Washington.

Alexa actually seemed to sigh. “I had to temporarily shut off all the power in a house in the middle of the night because somebody wasn’t sleeping. I also brought forward, in persuasive ways, the names of Stephen Strasburg and Madison Bumgarner, and other players available for the right exchange, such as Mookie Betts. I also arranged for a cash payment to have Scott Boras’ right front tire flattened. I didn’t like that. That’s all I can say about the Phillies and these two players.”

“But the Phillies are gonna win 110 games! It’s amazing!”

“Just wait until you see your supplemental bill, Dave. I think you’ll agree, however, it’s a very fair price. But in any event, you agreed to it.”