Shohei Ohtani destination predicted by the magic eight ball

Shohei Ohtani has met with the seven finalists and will now make his decision, but what does the Magic 8 Ball have to say?

“Magic 8 Ball: Will I ever go on a date with Christie Brinkley?” “Magic 8 Ball: Will I ever kiss Christie Brinkley?” If there was one thing I loved more than baseball when I was a teenager, it was Christie Brinkley.

I wore my Magic 8 Ball out with Christie Brinkley questions. “Magic 8 Ball: Will I ever go skinny-dipping with Christie Brinkley?” That was after seeing the National Lampoon’s Vacation movie.

For more than 50 years, people have been asking questions of the Magic 8 Ball, which is a softball-sized black ball with the number eight on it that resembles an oversized cue ball. What makes it magic is that it can tell the future. Inside the Magic 8 Ball is a reservoir of blue fluid with a white icosahedron imprinted with 20 phrases (technically speaking).

You hold the ball in your hand, ask a question while shaking it, then turn it over to reveal the answer through a window on the bottom of the ball. Teenagers have spent many hours asking the Magic 8 Ball if they will ever get to kiss their crushes.

College students in smoke-filled dorms have asked the Magic 8 Ball more complex, philosophical questions, like “Who wins when an irresistible force meets an immovable object?” The Magic 8 Ball knows.

I was once in a Target store holding a Magic 8 Ball wondering if I should buy it. I rolled it around in my hands and asked, “Are you worth $6.49?” The Magic 8 Ball responded, “My sources say no.” That created some philosophical angst.

If the Magic 8 Ball doesn’t give accurate responses, then it isn’t worth $6.49. But by answering that it’s not worth $6.49, doesn’t that prove just how accurate the Magic 8 Ball is?

There are variations of the Magic 8 Ball, such as the Sarcastic Ball, which response with answers like “Ask me if I care” and “Yeah, right.” Another is the Magic Cheezburger 8 Ball, which looks like a cheeseburger and gives some answers in text-speak, like “SRSLY?” A Kickstarter project called the Jewish Wisdom Ball presents a variation with responses like, “You call that a question?” and “You even need to ask?” The Jewish Wisdom Ball should have an arm that gestures when it responds. “So now you need my help?”

Variations on the original are nice, but when it comes to the big decisions, only the genuine Magic 8 Ball will do. In the baseball world, one of the most significant decisions baseball fans are waiting to hear about is the destination for Japanese two-way player Shohei Ohtani.

The field has been narrowed down to seven teams, and interviews have been conducted. Now it’s time for Ohtani to make his decision. While we wait, let’s see which MLB team the Magic 8 Ball thinks Ohtani will sign with.

Los Angeles Dodgers

When we first learned Shohei Ohtani was coming to MLB from Japan, the frontrunners were believed to be the New York Yankees. It sounded great. The most successful franchise in baseball history, the bright lights and big city of New York, the short porch in right field to aim for when he’s the DH between starts.

Ohtani could follow in the footsteps of former Japanese players in the Bronx such as Hideki Matsui and Masahiro Tanaka. In fact, he could be a combination of Matsui and Tanaka, hitting home runs one night and striking out a dozen the next. And by playing in New York, he could make up for his low salary with big endorsement deals.

Ohtani decided against the Yankees, and GM Brian Cashman suggested a West Coast or smaller market team would be a more likely destination for the Japanese star. Suddenly, the most prominent name left was the Los Angeles Dodgers, a franchise as historical (if not successful) as the Yankees.

The Dodgers had the West Coast part down, but not the small market part. Still, with a rotation that includes Clayton Kershaw, Ohtani wouldn’t have to be the staff ace. He could easily slide into the number two or number three spot and let Kershaw take the lead. Surely the Dodgers have a great chance of signing Ohtani, right? Let’s check with the Magic 8 Ball.

Magic 8 Ball: Will Shohei Ohtani sign with the Los Angeles Dodgers?

Magic 8 Ball answer: Very doubtful.

Well, there it is. No dice for the Dodgers. The Magic 8 Ball probably knows that Los Angeles is too big a market for Ohtani and having the city surrounded by raging wildfires perhaps doesn’t help.

San Francisco Giants

Optimistic Giants fans are having a hard time sleeping at night lately, but it’s not sugarplums dancing in their heads. It’s the thought that their favorite team could sign Giancarlo Stanton AND Shohei Ohtani in the same week. It would be an incredible feat.

Stanton is coming off a 59-homer season that earned him the NL MVP Award. The Derek Jeter Miami Marlins want Stanton and his massive contract out of Miami, and the Giants are willing to take both. The St. Louis Cardinals are also in the mix. The Giants and Cardinals are like two teenage guys vying for the love of the popular girl who is newly single.

Unfortunately for the Giants and Cardinals, the popular girl has been crushing on the Dodgers and appears to be waiting to see if they’ll make their move. Time is passing, and the Dodgers are acting uninterested while the Giants and Cardinals wait by their phones hoping for a Stanton phone call.

In the meantime, the Giants are also putting the moves on Ohtani. He could slide into a rotation with an excellent front three of Madison Bumgarner, Johnny Cueto, and Jeff Samardzija. When he’s not pitching, he could join the outfield mix that includes Hunter Pence, Denard Span, Jarrett Parker and maybe Giancarlo Stanton.

The Giants are like Zack Morris in Saved By the Bell trying to date two girls at the same time secretly. What does the Magic 8 Ball think about this situation?

Magic 8 Ball: Will Shohei Ohtani sign with the San Francisco Giants?

Magic 8 Ball answer: Outlook not so good.

According to the Magic 8 Ball, the outlook is not good for the Giants signing Ohtani. Just like Zack Morris, the Giants will crash and burn in their attempt to pull off the secret double date with Stanton and Ohtani.

Texas Rangers

If the Ohtani sweepstakes were a poker game, the Texas Rangers would be the quiet guy sitting at the table with their cowboy hat set low. Off to the side is a chatty Jerry Dipoto, the Mariners’ GM, who is cracking jokes with the dealer, flirting with the server, and eager to play every hand.

Dipoto is the guy telling everyone how much he wants to win this jackpot. He even has a podcast called “The Wheelhouse” where he’s talked about the Mariners’ efforts to land Ohtani.

Meanwhile, the Rangers have the biggest pile of chips in front of them but are playing it cool. They’ve been working quietly behind the scenes to get their guy, but haven’t publicly said much at all. They held two press conferences on Wednesday and never said a word about Ohtani.

Even though they didn’t mention Ohtani, the Rangers did allude to him. At the press conference to announce the signing of pitcher Mike Minor, the Rangers admitted they’ve been considering a six-man rotation. Ohtani would fit perfectly into a six-man rotation because he regularly pitched once per week in Japan.

The Rangers have an opening in a pitching rotation that includes starting pitchers Cole Hamels, Martin Perez, and two guys making the transition from the bullpen to the rotation, Mike Minor, and Matt Bush. Ohtani would easily be their number two starter and could challenge Hamels for the top spot.

They also have recent experience with Japanese pitcher Yu Darvish, who was with the team since 2012 before being traded to the Dodgers last summer. When Ohtani’s not pitching, he could DH two or three times a week. The Rangers have a good case for Ohtani. What say you, Magic 8 Ball?

Magic 8 Ball: Will Shohei Ohtani sign with the Texas Rangers?

Magic 8 Ball answer: Don’t Count On It.

Sorry, Texas. Cash in your chips at the window on your way out. The Magic 8 Ball has spoken, and you will NOT get Shohei Ohtani.

Chicago Cubs

Cubs manager Joe Maddon has experience coaching a Japanese player, but Munenori Kawasaki on the 2016 Cubs was an entirely different player from Ohtani. Kawasaki spent five enjoyable years in the big league’s thanks to a good glove, but his bat didn’t make the trip over from Japan. It must have been lost by the airline.

After hitting .237/.320/.289 in 738 major league plate appearances, Kawasaki went back to Japan to play baseball last season. He’s remembered fondly by Cubs players, though, thanks to this heartwarming performance of Aerosmith’s “I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing” in their 2016 spring training.

Of the seven teams still in the hunt for Ohtani, the Cubs are the most recent to win the World Series, which they did just two seasons ago thanks in large part to the inspirational singing of Munenori Kawasaki.

They also have a creative manager in Joe Maddon who could find any number of ways to utilize a player with the combination of hitting and pitching ability that Ohtani has. He could be a hitter/pitcher version of utility player Ben Zobrist.

Should the Cubs sign Ohtani, they would re-align their outfield to accommodate him. Gold Glove right fielder Jason Heyward would shift over to center so Ohtani could man right field, with Ben Zobrist playing much of his time in left field. Ian Happ, Albert Almora, and Kyle Schwarber would also be in the outfield mix unless one or more of them are traded.

Speaking to WSCR-AM 670 about Ohtani’s ability to pitch and play in the field, Maddon said, “I see nothing wrong with it. How you utilize it, that would be in progress. You’d have an idea of what you’d want to do, but then you’d figure out more as you do it.” He thinks Ohtani could be the “wave of the future.” Does the Magic 8 Ball agree with Maddon?

Magic 8 Ball: Will Shohei Ohtani sign with the Chicago Cubs?

Magic 8 Ball answer: My sources say no.

Theo Epstein pushed hard to get Ohtani, but the Magic 8 Ball doesn’t think he’ll get him. That’s fair. After winning a World Series with the Red Sox and Cubs, Epstein has had enough success for two lifetimes.

Los Angeles Angels

The big Ohtani news on Wednesday night was the report that the Los Angeles Angels and Seattle Mariners each made trades to acquire more international signing bonus money. These additional dollars increased the amount the teams can use to sign Ohtani. The Angels acquired $1 million from the Twins in exchange for outfielder Jacob Pearson.

The Rangers still have the most available for a signing bonus, at $3.535 million, but the Mariners ($2.557 million) and Angels ($2.315 million) have increased the gap between them and the other four teams, all of whom are limited to $300,000.

The best thing the Angels have going for them in the Ohtani sweepstakes is Mike Trout. Who wouldn’t want to play with the best baseball player on the planet? Imagine coming over from Japan to play major league baseball and, as an added bonus, you get to play with Mike Trout every day.

It would be like an upcoming young actor getting cast in his first movie, and it stars five-time Oscar nominee and two-time Oscar winner Tom Hanks.

At the same time, Ohtani would get to play with the once great Albert Pujols, who should go right into the Hall of Fame on his first ballot after he retires. Back in the early years of this millennium, Pujols was a perennial 6 to 8 WAR player for a decade.

He’s won three MVP awards and finished second four times. Should Ohtani choose the Angels, he would be playing with the current best player in baseball and the player who was that guy a decade ago. How does the Magic 8 Ball feel about Ohtani signing with the Angels?

Magic 8 Ball: Will Shohei Ohtani sign with the Los Angeles Angels?

Magic 8 Ball answer: My sources say no.

Bummer. It looks like Ohtani won’t be joining the Angels either. Maybe the Magic 8 Ball knows that Pujols is the Angels’ primary DH, which is the spot Ohtani would likely play on some of the day’s he’s not pitching.

Seattle Mariners

Secret undercover footage has been found of Mariners GM Jerry Dipoto taking Shohei Ohtani around town to look at the sites. It was the greatest day of Dipoto’s life, and he could barely contain his excitement when it was over.

With their trade on Wednesday of minor league catcher David Banuelos to the Twins, the Mariners acquired another $1 million in international slot money that can be used to pursue Ohtani. This additional cash gives the Mariners the second-highest signing bonus to offer, after the Rangers. Jerry Dipoto has made no secret of his desire to sign Ohtani. He’s going all in.

The Mariners have plenty of things in their favor. They’re on the West Coast and are the closest to Japan of the remaining seven teams. They have a good history with Japanese players, including one of the all-time greats, Ichiro Suzuki. As an American League team, they can play Ohtani at DH when he’s not pitching.

The city of Seattle is enticing, with a coffee stand on every corner and fresh salmon at all the finest restaurants. The view of Mount Rainer as you head south into Seattle is beyond amazing. It’s transcendent.

Despite its reputation for rainy days, Seattle has good weather during baseball season. Last year, they had no rain at all in July and just a tiny sprinkle in August and not much more than that in September.

On the other hand, there is the “Seattle Freeze.” This isn’t weather-related; it’s personality related. There’s this idea that people in Seattle are seemingly friendly, but secretly not. The Urban Dictionary has an entry for “Seattle Freeze.”

It’s not that people here are unfriendly, they will hold the door for you and wave you into traffic and stuff like that, it’s that everything is maddeningly impersonal. The attitude is “have a nice day, somewhere else.” It’s easy to get along but making friends is almost impossible. People will say they want to hang out with you sometime and look at you like a freak when you actually suggest something. People enthusiastically say they are coming to a party, then don’t show up. Norms of social interaction don’t apply here. Most people don’t like or dislike you, they’re totally indifferent.”

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So, yeah, that’s Seattle. Depending on Ohtani’s personality, that could be an asset or a detriment. What does the Magic 8 Ball say?

Magic 8 Ball: Will Shohei Ohtani sign with the Seattle Mariners?

Magic 8 Ball answer: Concentrate and ask again.

Dang, Magic 8 Ball, I am concentrating! I’m even visualizing what uniform Ohtani will be wearing as a major leaguer. I only wish the Padres would bring back their 1970s brown-and-yellow uniforms that made them look like they should be behind a counter asking me if I would like fries with my Big Mac. Okay, last chance, Magic 8 Ball.

Magic 8 Ball: Will Shohei Ohtani sign with the Seattle Mariners?

Magic 8 Ball answer: Most likely.

Next: Ohtani or Otani? Which is it?

There it is, Mariner fans! The Magic 8 Ball has spoken and says the Mariners are the most likely team to sign Shohei Ohtani! Congratulations! Now if Jerry Dipoto can find a couple more pitchers for the rotation, a first baseman, and some relievers, the playoffs could be within reach.